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Now many people don’t understand the Jersey Shore lifestyle, the bitches, the bros, the tans and the haphazard fistpumping, all brought together at night by a wholesome, home cooked pasta fazool (Nonna’s recipe)! The women, in particular, perplex the average mook as they exhibit their own unique brand of cultural detritus. We all ascended from apes, but some of us didn’t ascend far enough. This post will explain to the average stunad how to become one of those coveted gorillas in the mist the Sicilian Princesses of Jersey drool over. Follow these tips to a tee and you’ll have a Snookie on your sausage faster than you can say “Slob on my knob!”

1. The Tan

Now bros, let me level with you. You ain’t getting nowhere without a proper tan. Beach tans are great… if you’re a queer. You need a proper base tan. Go to your local tanning salon and chill in a booth for a few hours. If you feel your skin burning, it’s normal. That is, if you want to be more orange than the other herbs. Don’t bitch out. When that’s over, get yourself a spray tan. Tell the bitch to pile it on. The more the better. Cool, bro, now you have a tan that could make an Oompa Loompa blush. Good. Everyone knows that tans are hot.

2. The Bod

Moving right along. The body of an Italian Stallion. I’m not gay or nothing, but these bods? Bro. Anyway, you need to get a gym membership and work out there for at least 8 days a week, 27 hours a day. What was that? Too much you say? Don’t be a bitch, bro. You’re not getting anywhere unless you pump up. Fill your fridge with Vitamin Water and Muscle Milk and never forget to drink as much as your paycheck can handle. HGH could help a bit too. If you need any, I know a guy who knows a guy. A little roid rage never hurt anybody, right? Right?

3. The Talk

Now, listen to me, you stunad, you gotta get this accent right. It’s a mix between curses and exclamations from the Old Country, the old-school Noo Yawk accent, The Joisey accent and almost all the films Bobbie De Niro was ever in. Watch every single mafia movie ever made from The Godfather to Goodfellas and you might have a shmidge of and idea of how us I-talians talk. Make sure to always talk with your hands. No! Not sign language, you mook (stugots, eh?), but through the use of  overt, obvious and emotionally charged gesticulations whenever possible. Take a tip from my man Chazz Palminteri in A Bronx Tale, you may have five fingers, but only talk with tree. Make sure you don’t smack Nonna! Madon!

4. The Whip

Another essential part of nailing some classless guidmerican poon is a fly whip. Pay attention, bro. You like this whip? yeah, I know. It’s bangin’. Have your beast hooked the fuck up with a big-ass spoiler (To represent yourself, you feel me?), some UFO lights on the undercarriage (You want to float down those roads, bro!), Bodykits from a more expensive car (So what if your “Bentley” is really a Daewoo? The bitch can’t tell the difference!) and a perforated muffler (You may not have a nice engine, but everyone will think you do!). You see, it’s a scientific fact that the bitches love a man with some fine wheels. It’s the roar of the engines that gets the panties flying, you know what I mean? Speaking of wheels, you better be riding on some 22-inch rims AT LEAST. Bitches love big wheels. Remember, don’t forget to know just enough about cars to make it seem like you know about cars. Nothing is more embarrassing than not knowing what a twin turbo is, especially in front of a bitch (Who doesn’t know what it is either). Trust me, if you follow these whip tips, you’ll have chickies greasing your lightning in no time at all! Oh!

5. The Boys

Now I know what you’re thinking, “But bro, if I bring my boys, that’s less bitches for me!” That’s ’cause you’re stupid! This guy, eh? You see, every stallion needs a… a backup stallion. In layman’s terms, a wingman. Or a few. You see, these types of broads flock together like chickens, hence the term “chick” or “bird” (They love when you call them that, by the way). You and your bros need to divide and conquer. Take one backup stallion you don’t like very much (Maybe he spit in your gabagool or something) and fling him at the fattest, ugliest bitch in the group (There’s always one). She, being jealous of her friends, will cockblock more than a jockstrap, so eliminate queen hen and the chickens will follow suit. Then, chip away at the rest of the bitches in the same fashion. Your boys are probably getting drunk by now, so they don’t give a fuck what they bang, as long as it’s not their hand.

7. The Cut

You need a new haircut. The taller, the greasier, the blow-backier the better. Bitches love the spikiness. It tells them you’re not only really fast, but that you’re dangerous as well (Some guidos cut their hands open doing their hair, it’s that sharp!). It’s by far the sexiest haircut known to man worn by only the manliest of Italian men. Be forewarned, however, the height and thickness of your blowback will also attract other men that will challenge your position in the guido mating circle. Be ready to beat them off. If all else fails, impale them upon your stalagmite-esque dome. Stay alpha, bro.

8. The Threads

Dress to impress, bro! A stallion is nothing without his clothes, but this ain’t your daddy’s three piece suit. Remember to get only low cut v-necks to show off your pumped up and tanned chest. You gotta have designer jeans too (Diesel all the way, bro). To top that off, make sure you have some huge, gaudy belt bling. Nothing says “I’m the dick you want to ride” like a huge superman belt buckle. The shoes? Jordans. Oh and don’t forget to make sure you pick up some trashy Euro styles akin to what a Neapolitan coke dealer would wear. Broads can’t resist that shit. It makes you seem exotic, capisce? I mean, honestly, would you want to fuck with that mamaluke?

9. The Moves

Via guidofistpump.com

Pay close attention. This is one of the most important aspects of landing yourself between the legs of a Snookie: Dancing. To catch even so much as a a glimpse of the coveted, ritualistic beauty known as the guido dance, one must first prepare oneself with the beginner style, the bedrock upon which all guido dancing is based. The fist pump. Guido dancing is much more than pushing and touching and getting your satisfaction, it’s truly a modern wonder of the world, this preternatural mating ritual of 3rd and 4th-generation Italian American co-eds.  To be honest, I can’t even explain how to do it properly. Just watch (and try not to get choked up):

I think I’m gonna cry. Hold me bro. (No homo)

10. The Fam

What do guido bitches love the most about a man? His big, fat, juicy fucking…
family. That’s right. Family. It shows her you have a huge network of uncles you can ask for a thing or brothers and cousins for her to cheat on you with. First and foremost, you can disrespect her entire family. It doesn’t matter. They’ll do it to you as well. However, never disrespect her Nonna. She may have one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave, but Nonna decides whether you stay or you go. Family lets a bitch see you have a deeper side apart from your bangin’ pecs and killer haircut. It also tells her that you wouldn’t mind if she pumped out a few guidlings of her own so you can be the abusive, distant daddy you’ve always wanted to be.

Images Via:

http://www.nyissues.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Snookie-Punched1.jpg

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/man_utd/5930/shit_lookalikes.html

http://www.peopleofjerseyshore.com/three-unhappy-badasses/

http://www.listal.com/list/different-looks-robert-de-niro

http://dheydon.posterous.com/zoolander-to-the-extreme

http://www.guidofistpump.com/tag/holiday-party/

http://www.guidofistpump.com/guido%20pix/GUIDOHAIR.jpg

http://www.frakincool.com/images/guido4.jpg

http://blogs.kqed.org/bayareabites/files/2008/04/denise-family.jpg