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It has been said that, following puberty, a healthy male thinks about pussy every 5 seconds. Unless a man has a constant supply of it, he may very well become sexually frustrated and begin to act fairly odd like, for instance, biting his nails, grinding his teeth in his sleep or shooting up a local daycare. Happens all the time! If only it could be found in a your local convenience store in the “pussy” aisle next to the funyuns and cheese dip. Oh the lives it could have saved!

However, as you are well aware, this is not the case. There are many things keeping a proper, upstanding gentleman out of the clam wallet of their secret crush (a.k.a. stalking victim). Countless men are often simply amazed at how many women scurry away like scared chipmunks when they’re just trying to be themselves! That’s what women like isn’t it? Don’t tell me you lied to me dad! The following are ten, possibly offensive, sweeping generalizations of why some poor guys just can’t catch a ride on the poon wagon.

1. Your Mom

You love your mommy. I know you do. I love mine. She’s a fine example of noble womanhood and selflessness that makes up for all of the harpies looking to gut your bank account and dash your emotions upon the cliff-side. She’s always been there for you, through thick and thin, wiping your ass, slathering on that vapor rub and dealing with your angsty teen Slipknot phase. She’s seen you at your most vulnerable and still loves you. Why? She’s your mommy!

However, your mom will NOT get you pussy. You see, although she is a wonderful person, she subconsciously, wants to keep you all to herself. You’re her angel. You can do no wrong in her eyes. “Not my son, officer! He would never defecate on a bum’s face and jizz in the holy water! He’s a good boy! I raised him right!” So, consequently, if a girl comes along that you fancy ever so much and you take her home to meet momma, your mother will do everything in her power to make you seem like the nerdiest, pansiest momma’s boy this side of Bobby Boucher. She will , undoubtedly, see the girl as a threat and will use the only weapon in her arsenal (outside of that chill-inducing paddle above the fridge), embarrassing the living shit out of you. You’re not showing a girl your sensitive side when you introduce her to mom, you’re showing her the side that you would pay a blackmailer 50% of your yearly income to hide. You may love your mommy, but do your damnedest to keep your love life away from her jealous clutches. Hell hath no fury like a mother whose son’s about to get laid.

2. Comics

Now there’s a good chance, as a guy, that you’ve enjoyed a comic or two. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with comics at all. They pretty much rock. Superman, Batman, Spiderman and every other (moniker)-man out there represent everything guys, intrinsically, want to do. They’re manly men who battle injustice, conquer evil and, of course, get the girl. Not to mention… I mean… dude, they have superpowers! They can fly and eat razorblades and melt streetlights into tiny steel toothpicks! Come on, that’s insanely awesome. There is absolutely no denying that. But I digress…

Women, for the most part, are attracted to maturity, which means that there’s a good chance they don’t like comics. They often see a guy who loves comics as a man-child or a big baby that just never had the presence of mind to grow up (Kinda like a fucked up Peter Pan). Now I know that there are many mature themes in comics. You don’t have to tell me. Iron Man had a drinking problem, the Comedian was a rapist and Ant Man beat his wife. That’s some heavy shit. Though, I’m sorry guys, most girls don’t care. So, gentlemen, on a date, don’t try to explain your utter shock and dismay at the assassination of Captain America or else you’ll be trying to explain to your friends your utter shock and dismay that you’re still single.

3. Dungeons and Dragons

Look, there’s a girl! Roll for Charisma! Hurry!

Most men have glorious martial fantasies of wizards, rangers and warriors galloping, valiantly, off upon mighty, steamy-nosed steeds to do righteous battle with sinister, yet worthy foes to the piercing screeches of an Iron Maiden album. They dream of adventure and discovery, of accomplishment and victory, of conquering a world chock full of orcs, beholders, dire boars and inexplicably large rats. Of course, we don’t live in Middle Earth. This isn’t reality. If you ran at someone on the street, your mighty +2/+2 Blade of Carnage and Ending raised high, bellowing your indomitable battle cry, you’d probably get shot in the chest. With a gun. That Mithril armor mom made you last week in her arts and crafts workshop isn’t bulletproof, you know.

Don’t get me wrong here, some girls love the whole fantasy/roleplay thing. However, I’m pretty sure they’re thinking more along the lines of “I’m a naughty schoolgirl and you’re the stern principal,” and not “I’m a scantily-clad dwarven prisoner and you’re my dashing Kalashtar captor.” A healthy amount of tabletop fun is fine, sure. However, when you’re living in Eberron more than the real world, it can be a bit of a turn-off. Plus, it’s kind of hard to explain to your date that you spend 5-6 hours a week pretending to be a half-elf barbarian named Elizatorius.

4. Anime

I know what it’s like to come home from school every afternoon to watch the newest Japanimation series with the booming, machismo filled, nigh constipated yelling of animated samurai kung-fu masters juxtaposed against the high pitched, tinny screeches of their respective damsels in distress. It’s a staple of my childhood that I can’t readily give up, much like many others my age. Many people grew up on Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, Naruto, Trigun, Cowboy Bebop and, not to mention, Toriyama’s magnum opus, Dragon Ball Z. It’s an interesting departure from familiar culture, immersed in the tea and miso soup-laden world of fantasy Japan.

Now I love Akira as much as the next guy, nevertheless, unless you’re actually Japanese, it’s in rather bad taste to be more into Japanese culture than they are. Guys who hail from this school of thought often exhibit the many telltale symptoms of yellow fever and are often found awkwardly coming on to any girl who is even remotely Asian looking, showing them their sleeve tattoo akin to that of a Yakuza bookie and attempting to woo them with their ability to say “apple” and “cat” in Japanese… even though the girl is obviously Filipino. The guy’s inherent addiction to hentai tentacle porn doesn’t much help his cause either. However, the bedroom filled with tiny, risque figurines of anime schoolgirls and full-size Japanese “love pillows” are just the icing on the cake. This man will be forever pining for his “Waifu”. Too bad she’s 2D.

5. Being a Furry

Furries are people who like to dress up like animals and have sex with other people dressed up like animals. Yes. That’s really what they do.

It has been said that humans are nothing but intelligent animals. It has also been said that sex is a very basic, animalistic act rife with kinks and perversions. Yet I still wonder what drives people to put on big, furry, anthropomorphic animal suits to get their jollies. I mean, whatever floats your boat, but don’t expect that you’re going to be able to impress the average girl with the devianart.com sketches of your skunk fursona. Even in today’s day and age, I’m pretty sure most women don’t get off on the idea of getting fucked through a tiny hole in the rump of their fur suit. I’m sure the tail getting in the way would ruin the mood.

6. Eclectic Hobbies

Nowadays, almost everyone collects something, be it postage stamps, bottlecaps, book series, Kung-Fu flicks, whatever. It’s relatively normal to be a collector. In fact, it’s looked at as one of the most common hobbies a guy can have. Conversely, there are some people who take collections a tad too far and a bit too off the beaten track. There’s a fine line between “collection” and “horror movie serial killer-like shrine”. If you have your lifelong collection of toenails preserved in formaldehyde on a shelf in your living room, don’t think it’s such a good idea to take your date to the house for some alone time.

I’m not a woman, but I feel safe to assume that a girl wouldn’t take too kindly to being toured around a candle-filled shrine to a celebrity either. Somewhere between the locks of hair plastered upon an embroidered doily and the pictures of a celeb’s current fling with crosses over their face, your date would be gone in a cartoonish puff of smoke and a loud, resounding tire squeal. Though I guess it’s a blessing in disguise! That would leave you enough time to prance around your house with your bits tucked behind your legs, chanting “I’d fuck me” in a creepy baritone.

7. Terrible Hygiene

Wash yourself, fool. There’s a huge difference between being ruggedly handsome and just being goddamn rugged. Brush your teeth, wash your face, shine your shoes, clip your nails and do SOMETHING with your hair. Girls don’t like a disgustingly unwashed bum. Now sure, you can try to pull off that Kurt Cobain heroin-chic as much as you like and you might even nail it if you swagger it up. Nevertheless, as you pluck bits of yesterday’s breakfast from your Grizzly Adams beard, wondering why no girl has ridden your Muenster cheese-reeking love stick for over a year, take the time out to invest in some soap. Maybe you can even venture so far out there as to buy a bottle of shampoo.

No girl wants to fuck a guy that smells like a dead rat soaked in deer urine that’s been fermenting in a greenhouse for a few decades, unless, of course, it’s GG Alin.

8. Your Ex

Cardinal rule of getting laid: Never, ever talk about your ex with a girl you just meet. I don’t care how long you’d dated her (or him), how famous they are or how in love you both were, talking about your ex will effectively demolish all chances you have of getting laid. Girls don’t want to hear about your past exploits and they most definitely don’t like knowing the person that you will be comparing them to.

Oftentimes, guys will walk blindly into this pitfall, haphazardly mentioning their ex without paying it any mind. As a rule, most girls will ask about her (or him). Keep it short and sweet. “We were together for __, we broke up on __ in the year __.” That’s it. Name, rank and serial number. Don’t you dare go any further. You don’t have to write a Nicholas Sparks novel about it, the most a girl needs to know is that you’ve dated in the past and that you’re single now.

9. Living Conditions

If you’re above the average college age (25+ years old), you need your own place. Don’t feed me that drivel about your NEET lifestyle being the intelligent choice with today’s economy, blah, blah, blah. Your mom doesn’t want you hogging the basement anymore. I mean, come on, you’re a fully fledged adult. Your hairline isn’t getting any lower. It’s about time to leave the nest there, buddy. Break out of those walls of Mountain Dew and cheese doodles. Scale the hills of marijuana and cheap beer to the base camp of “employment” and, maybe one day, you can climb to the summit of mount “getting your own apartment”. You can do it!

To be honest, girls usually don’t want to get fucked on the top of the power rangers bunk bed you’ve shared with your brother for the past 20 years.

10. Desperation

Desperation. What a stinky, stinky cologne it is. Girls can actually smell the desperation on a man. From what I hear, it’s like a musk of wet cabbage and beer (Eau de Despereaux). The sweaty palms, the stuttering speech, the “nice guy” act, the “I will literally fuck any vagina in the world” affected swagger, it’s so obvious, man.

What you need is some confidence. Go do something that makes you feel awesome. Don’t focus so much on girls or else you will come across the all-too-common “creeper”. Read a book, ride a bike or even write a blog (Not here. I don’t need the competition). Focus on being yourself and less upon what you think girls want. Either that, or you find a girl just as desperate as you are. Beware, though. Once you help to raise her self confidence, she won’t want your desperate ass anymore. Joke’s on you, buddy.

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