Before the days of Cybex, LifeFitness, and StairMaster, those seeking optimal fitness were often at the mercy of such devices as “The Saddle.” This helpful gizmo was designed in 1931 to “assist men in protecting themselves from becoming too old,” if you get my drift. (Remember, the FDA didn’t start regulating medical devices until 1938.) With a little help from the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices and other archives, I’ve dug up found five dubious medical gadgets with the potential to stage a comeback…between the sheets.
1. The Battle Creek Vibratory Chair
This mini-electric chair of sorts—once used at the infamous Battle Creek Sanitarium—was invented by the same guy who conjured up corn flakes: J.H. Kellogg. After a few minutes of violent shaking, Kellogg’s chair would supposedly “stimulate intestinal peristalsis.” Find one on eBay and you may begin enjoying breakfast in a whole new state of mind.
2. Prostate Gland Warmer
Anyone who has ever endured the heartbreak of a frigid prostate knows what I’m talking about. Invented in 1918, this contraption used a 4.25 inch probe, a blue light bulb, and a nine-foot cord to “stimulate the abdominal brain.” Where do we sign up?
3. The Recto Rotor
Marketed with this astonishing motto, “large enough to be efficient, small enough for anyone over 15 years old,” the Recto Rotor not only lubricated the rectum through secreting holes in its tip but it’s now my favorite dildo euphemism of all time.
4. The Timely Warning
In 1888, a certain E.B. Foote, M.D. declared that an “amorous dream is indeed practically an involuntary act of masturbation” and “if frequently repeated … destroy the memory, and weaken all the faculties of the mind.” By 1905, this problem had a solution and a catchy name: The Timely Warning. Made of aluminum and costing a mere two bucks, it “prevents night emissions by arousing the wearer.”
5. Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump
Unlike the other doodads on this list, the foot operated breast enlarger pump is not a relic. It was invented and marketed in 1976 and four million American women plunked down $9.95 for a pump, clear plastic tubing, and three cups. Note to masochists: While no enlargement was ever recorded, all that footwork did result in some bruising.
6. Electric Corset
Originally, um, designed in 1883 to address conditions like nervous bebility, spinal complaints, rheumatism, paralysis, numbness, dyspepsia, liver and kidney troubles, impaired circulation, constipation and other “diseases peculiar to women,” this is something like an upper body vibrator that, according to the New York Times, offered a “delightful sensation.”
7. Electric Curler & Button Hook
Let’s say you indulge in some e-stimulation but you don’t have the oomph to dress yourself afterwards. Not a problem. This clever invention allows you let off some steam without conserving energy for those tricky buttons.
8. Electric Flesh Brush
Why? Well, because the “germ of all life is electricity.” Since our skin is our largest organ, this doohickey can produce what we might call holistic arousal.
9. SpaSwing
Another gem from this (so-called) modern era of ours, the SpaSwing “takes relaxation to another dimension” It also takes the concept of jacuzzi sex to a whole new dimension. Can you say “hot tub time machine”?
10. Scentuelle Libido Patch
Finally, a quack device that was actually created for the expressed purpose of getting you off: the Scentuelle Libido Patch. They promise: “Smelling the aromatic libido patch frequently throughout the day helps re-kindle the feelings of intimacy.”
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