Sex is a beautiful thing that everyone should be having at all times with everyone no matter what. OK, STD Prevention groups just put me on their kill list. But seriously, in a safe and healthy context, nothing is better than sex: it’s been in style for literally all of history, it’s free, and everyone’s down to do it. But more than just a distraction from the hum and drum, it’s also a totally clever, efficient, super-covert way to fix to some of life’s biggest problems.
1. Insomnia
Medications like Lunesta and Ambien wouldn’t exist if everyone (i.e., privileged white women) had an all-access, 24-hour pass to freakytime before bedtime. When I was having major sleep issues in my junior year of college, I went through regimens of Melatonin, Klonopin, and weed-wasting amounts of bowl action before coming to the hard, firm realization that all I needed to sleep like a baby was to bang beforehand. Post-bang cuddling helps too.
2. Justifying being antisocial
Girl: “This is the third Friday in a row that you haven’t felt like going out.”
Guy: “I just don’t see what we’d do at a bar that we can’t do here. Talk, drink. We’re talking now. I have Trader Joe’s wine in the fridge.”
Girl: “Oh, I don’t know, we’d see our friends? And drink alcohol that isn’t so suspiciously cheap.”
Guy: “Trader Joe’s is damn sufficient wine.”
Girl: “You’re such a loser.”
Guy: “We could fuck all night. We couldn’t fuck all night at a bar. Everyone at the bar would be envious of our fuckery.”
Girl: “—“
Guy: “—“
Girl: “OK, but I want to do it on the floor.”
3. Homelessness
We are not advocating prostitution, technically, because technically there should be no cash transactions involved. But if you’re between apartments or hate your roommate or you’re just straight up homeless, hook-up buddies and exes could be of great use to you. Sure, you might have to perform the whole “I’m so in love with you I don’t even want to leave your bed until the first of next month!” card, but that > Tompkins Square Park, and you know it.
4. Zero drugs or alcohol in stock
Sobriety sucks, especially if you’re the couple from #2. But dirty, screeching, sheets-pulling sex can approximate the effects of uppers and/or downers, in equal measure, usually depending on your position.
5. No time motivation to exercise
Fact: hot sweaty raging sex = fifteen hours on the treadmill at the very highest speed. I read it somewhere, been doing it every day of my life, totally works.
6. Poverty
Again, not advocating prostitution (although, be glad this list stops at 10). But sex is often the broke-ass ho’s answer to a night out on the town. The great thing about sex is that everywhere in the world, except for all of Eastern Europe and the Sober Valley Lodge in LA, it’s free.
By Mr. Boy Toy
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