You bring a woman home and clothes start coming off as you make your way to the bedroom. You think “This is it!” but she stops. She pulls away, starts buttoning up her shirt and mumbles something about how she has to get up early in the morning. Meanwhile, you’ve gone limp and you’re alternating between cursing the pain in your pants and questioning why she ran. It may not be you but what you have in your bedroom that made her run. If you have any of the following items in your bedroom, you may be cock-blocking yourself.
Cartoon Sheets
While you may have a man crush on Superman, that doesn’t mean a woman wants to have sex with you on top of him. He saves the world on the screen and in books, but he isn’t going to get you laid. A woman is going to see cartoon sheets and feel like she’s in the process of making out with a child and, let’s face it, that’s just creepy. If you want your penis to have any chance of success in your bedroom besides a Saturday evening with your left hand, skip the cartoon sheets and move onto something that doesn’t scream prepubescent boy. Keep the man crush if you wish, but opt for more mature solid or striped sheets.
Filth
Picture making out in your bed and her rolling over onto a slice of last night’s pizza. Funny yes, but not very sexy. Between your hysterical laughter, the gross factor and her picking pepperoni out of her hair, you’re definitely not getting laid. This leads to the sheets; even in the middle of foreplay, a woman might notice stains that just shouldn’t be there. If you want to have sex in your room, keep it clean enough even for unexpected visitors. Wash the sheets, throw out any food and dispose of anything that may gross a woman out (used condom anyone?). Make sure to also clear the floor so neither of you trip and fall into a huge pile of dirty clothes.
Women’s Clothing
Not many women are going to feel like ripping off your pants while a bra that’s not hers is staring her in the face from across the room. Any excuse that it belongs to your mother/sister/friend/ex/neighbor/fuck buddy/pizza delivery girl is going to come off creepy or like total bullshit. Do a sweep of the room and remove any women’s clothing or products that will initiate a conversation that starts with “Well her washer broke so she used mine…”.
Stench
The only thing a woman wants to smell when with a man is cologne, room freshening products, a natural guy scent or nothing at all. Notice that list doesn’t include sweaty gym clothes, farts, the sweet smell of a landfill or week old food. Half of keeping the stench out is cleaning, the other is using a deodorizer. There is no reason a woman should wonder if you marinated week-old roadkill in cat pee before she came over. And for God’s sake at least open a window.
A Self-Help Sex Book
A woman wants to believe that the guy she’s about the fuck will give her the orgasm of her life without needing to envision the step-by-step instructions in a book while he’s doing it (Step 1: Put dick here, place leg there.). Even if that’s what you have to do, let her be under the impression that your plethora of pleasure inducing knowledge is a natural gift. Unless you’ve been with someone for awhile where you can look through a Kama Sutra book together and pick out the freakiest position to try, hide the self-help sex book or skip the book altogether and just look up the info online beforehand.
Pile of Porn
Women know the majority of men watch porn but that doesn’t mean they want to see how much of it you own. Put those “collector” magazines away, hide the DVD’s and remove the lingerie catalogs that were delivered “by accident”. Follow this simple rule: The only naked ass she should see in the room is yours. Although depending on what it looks like, even that’s up for debate.
Sex Pictures / Movies
Dude, what are you doing? Didn’t anyone ever tell you to burn pictures or movies that show you in compromising positions? And by compromising positions I mean handcuffed to the bed with someone that bears a striking resemblance to your boss’s daughter. If you’re going to keep them, at least don’t put them where someone can stumble across them, especially if you’re trying to get that someone into bed. Put them under lock and key or, better yet, stare at them long enough to get a mental picture, then burn them.
A Picture of Your Ex
You’re not even supposed to talk about your ex to a woman you’re dating (or, uh, just enjoying on a bedroom basis), forget about having a picture of her visible while you’re trying to get laid. A picture of your ex screams to the woman “You are a rebound fuck!”. While some women don’t mind being a rebound, they don’t want it thrown in their face. She also doesn’t need the idea in her head that your ex might be the one you’re really thinking about during sex.
The biggest hurdle of getting laid is getting a woman to agree to go home with you in the first place. Once you convince her that you’re not a creepy douchebag and/or that having sex with you is a fantastic decision, it’s up to you to not screw it up. Think about this carefully: When it comes to what’s in your bedroom, you have the ability to not cockblock yourself. How well you do once the clothes come off, that sir is up to you and your manhood. Don’t fuck it up.
Images:
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