You are going to get busted. It’s not a matter of if – but when – someone finds your porn stash. Not your computer stuff, but the old school DVD’s and magazines that can’t be replaced, with those big grainy centerfolds that lay open on your bed like a deflated sex doll.
The Finder might be your “nice” girl friend, putting clean socks in your underwear drawer and finding a short stack of Teen Jugs. Moms are classic Finders, always converting old rooms into a Jazzercise studios and discovering, under loose carpet, pics of the night your significant other drank six shots of tequila and then modeled for you in the nude, with your dick in her mouth.
If you want your mom to keep washing your laundry and your girlfriend to keep putting it away, you’d better have some damn good reasons for keeping porn, reasons a whole lot better than the real one.
Now is not the time for honesty, now is the time for saving your ass. Your mom does not need to know the real reason your DVD’s are sticky. Don’t worry; I’ve done the thinking for you. Here are 8 marginally plausible ways you can cover your ass. Good Luck.
1. Shock and awe
Have some balls man, own up to the porn. You’re an adult. It’s a free country. The trick here is to intimidate the Finder with bravado. Throw out random patriotic 1st Amendment freedom of speach shit to confuse your girl friend and change the subject. It’s a free country; censors can go to hell, and so on.
Think like Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World, he cares fuck-all if his porn is discovered. Hey, say that: tell your girlfriend you don’t care fuck-all that she found your porn. This is about being a man’s man. Be sure to sound offended and condescending at the same time, like you’ve been wronged by an idiot.
2. Scapegoat
The classic excuse: You are holding the porn for a friend. It you have any brain cells left you’ll remember that excuse worked for you in 8th grade when you got caught with pot. It wasn’t your pot then and it isn’t your porn now. Hell, you can say it’s my porn if you want to – just blame it on ol’ Rich.
3. Blog research
Tell the Finder that you are writing a new sex education blog and the dirty magazines are research material. That works for me. Mention you get paid a few bucks for it. If they don’t believe you, go to http://theirtoys.com/sexblog/ and show them my blogs. Rich is your pen name, of course.
4. Santa Claus
The line is: Those aren’t your DVD’s, they are a Christmas/ Hanukah /Kwanzaa present for a friend who likes that sick porn shit. Personally you don’t go for porn, but the holidays are about giving to others.
Expect a shaking head from your Finder. They will look at you like the idiot that you are. Don’t take it personally. In a few days borrow decorative wrapping paper from the Finder, like you are wrapping a present, but don’t mention the porn. For authenticity, cut some paper off the end of the roll leaving a jagged edge and making yourself look even more incompetent, pitiful and worth sympathy. But you got your porn back.
5. Had it forever
“What, those old things? I forgot I had ‘em.” Look as surprised as possible. Leaf through a few pages looking reminiscent, saying things like, “Oh, I remember this old one,” and “Look how old fashioned these look. Legs, hahaha.” Remaining calm, look nonchalant. Promise to throw them out later and make a big show lugging a trash bag out to the can. Put a few crappy sex magazines or empty DVD cases on top on to seal the deal.
6. Finders keepers
You found the boxes of Juggs in the back of the closet last year when you moved into your place, right? Sure you did, and you’ve been working so hard that you haven’t had the time to sack them up and haul them out to the trashcan. Really, you just forgot about them until now. Why are they in you sock drawer? You didn’t want some kid to find them in the trash.
7. Collectible collection
The key fact: The first issue of Playboy with Marilyn Monroe, from 1953 can be worth $5000. Remember that dollar figure and tell it to the Finder, hinting that in a couple of years your last issue of Bound and Gagged might even reach that kind of figure. Be shocked the Finder doesn’t see the investment value in semen dripping off naked gay men with duct-taped mouths. You’d sell the magazines and buy a new car but want to hold on to your gold mine until the market improves. If the Finder wavers, offer to let her keep the porn in her possession. It’s a sign that you trust her.
8. Porn addiction is a real disease
Porn addiction is not a real disease. Cancer is a real disease, AIDS is real, but addiction to porn? Get serious. But if your Finder watches TV talk shows like Oprah or Dr. Phil, they’ll believe anything fun is a disease. So, beg for understanding, you have a porn addiction, something to be pitied. Be clear it’s different from a real sex addiction where you have real sex. You are a masturbator, not a cheater. If your girlfriend cares she’ll help you with your addiction by joining you for a screening of the classic “Behind the Green Door.” Remember, you don’t want to rush the healing process.
Loading ...
Recent Comments