You love your partner to death but the blaze of obsession has passed its peak and now exists as the occasional stifled flare.  Living with someone can be a challenge, especially when it comes to maintaining a healthy sexual appetite.  But in an effort to avoid throwing out your baby with their bath water, take a look around your collective space, and you’ll find tons of ways to improve your romance post joint-residence.

Start with wardrobe.  So your partner is getting home from work and becomes immediately disrobed to put on their favorite pair of decrepit sweats.  Do not pass up the opportunity to partake in the playground that is their career attire.  If a belt doesn’t scream “sex” to you, perhaps a necktie or some not so sensible heels will.  You don’t need to invest in tons of equipment right away to dip your feet in BDSM and see if you like it. If you are wearing the pants in the relationship, don’t be afraid to slide that belt off of your pants and around your lady’s waist as you take her from behind.    If you and your partner aren’t working the grind, and each sport biz -cas threads with no tie to speak of, improvisation is key.  Wait for them to get home with a light scarf at the ready to blindfold them.  Sometimes even sprucing up a bit, and doing something to make you feel good (some makeup or a shave) will grab your partner’s attention the moment they walk through the door.

Household items should never be underrated.  Perhaps you’ve explored with toys, regularly incorporate a healthy dose of kink and have been through the rigmarole of sexual experimentation.  Open your refrigerator.  You may just find some interestingly shaped/flavored items to slip in on the fly.  A spatula mustn’t be reserved for heating one kind of meat, when it so closely resembles a paddle.   And did it ever occur to you that those chip clip magnets that have been taking up space in your drawer could be put to much better use on your nipples?

Once you live with someone, it can be easy to neglect passionate displays of affection, as your partner can be so easily accessible.  Too often does this accessibility turn into a lackadaisical approach that can veer on the side of disinterest.   Relationships aren’t just about sex.  But then, you’d be lying to yourself if you insisted that sexual attraction to your partner is an afterthought.  Relationships are laborious affairs, but there is a reason that humans get together.  And this spans beyond the performance of sexual intercourse.  Attraction is more than a desire to bump uglies, but it includes a world of touch, play and physical acknowledgement that can surpass sex in the way of intimacy.  Of course as time passes and relationships change, it can be difficult to maintain that stage of wonder and adoration.  Months or years down the line, you may not have the intense desire you once had to lick your partner’s skin straight off of their body the moment they walk through the door.  But with some creativity and a bit of effort, a long term live-in relationship can be the sexiest kind.

R. Darling

One way to defy sexual deficiency is with the assistance of a sex therapist, whose work is to implement talk therapy techniques in order to assist with sorting sexual setbacks.  In cases where a patient does not have a sexual partner, sexual surrogates may be justified as a means to assist with demonstrations of intimacy and utilization of hands on technique.

Sexual surrogacy includes emotional and physical attachment as elements of treatment, providing patients with applied practice to complement conjectural exploration of themselves.   Surrogates are emotionally supportive, and tangible attachment between the patient and surrogate is generally part of the treatment.   Patients know at once that the surrogate relationship is temporary and subsists as an attempt to introduce the patient to love and intimacy as learned behaviors.  Functioning as a sort of “co therapist”, the surrogate is described as implementing hands on practice to assist the patient toward sexually liberation.   While some may suggest sexual surrogacy occupies the same level of social acceptability as varying types of sex work, patients of every gender and their therapists are trusting in the approach of surrogates.

For people struggling with problematic sexual setbacks, dating and relationships can be anxiety-ridden annoyances.  But those besieged by difficulties in the bedroom must keep in mind that sexual wellness has nothing to do with whether you have a partner at a given moment.  Sexual health and liberation do not necessarily depend on intimacy with a partner; rather, they are often deeply rooted behavioral/psychological hang-ups.   In fact by pairing sex geared talk therapy with the facilitation of a sexual surrogate; individuals who have never experienced gratifying sex with a partner have been given the opportunity to do so.  Ultimately by removing sex from its accepted social context and renegotiating the rules of the game, individuals struggling with every variety of sexual dysfunction can work toward carefree copulation.

Sex based setbacks do not take one form.   Myriad concerns including physical health, interaction with a specific partner, cultural or religious issues and behavioral or psychiatric concerns can be the cause for bedside distress.   But by and large, with the support of a therapist and in some cases a surrogate, these issues can be addressed and positively conquered.

R. Darling

In 2011, you’d think with all the technological advances we have that being stood up would be a thing of the past. Let me tell you that it’s not the case. I recently agreed to meet a guy from an online dating site for a date. We agreed to meet in the mid-afternoon at a well-known and well-populated public location. My journey there on public transportation took about an hour, and I got there early as I almost always do. I thought there might be trouble, since there were so many people, but I found a nice spot where I could watch all the entrances and exits. An hour later and he’s still not there. I couldn’t call or text him because we’d neglected to share digits, so I left. When I got home I shot him a message asking him what happened. He replied that he was sorry, something had come up last minute. Stupidly, I agreed to give him another chance.

The next Friday we agreed to meet at the same time in a different public place. Again, I got there early, and again, he didn’t show up. I honestly didn’t expect him to show, and in that respect the fool didn’t let me down. I decided, since I was already in a part of town I don’t often travel to, to explore, check out some places I’d heard about, and have a nice date with myself. And let me tell you–I had a fabulous time!

The moral of the story, for me, was not to let this fool diminish my self-confidence. In fact, I think my first time being stood up gave me an even stronger self-esteem. Instead of feeling useless and unloved, I realized that whatever reason this loser had for not showing up–that was his problem, not mine. So now, if I feel a little down on myself or if I need a boost, I just laugh at my romantic misadventures instead of crying over them.

I realize my advice, for many, may be easier said than done. I, too, have spent much time feeling like the Forever Alone meme. I suggest you do what I did and model your confidence off of that of drag queens and disco divas. RuPaul, as always, is a great source of wisdom: “What other people think of me is none of my damn business.” Make yourself a playlist of self-esteem anthems. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” is sure to boost your spirits like no other, and Beyonce’s “Best Thing I Never Had” will help you realize how much it doesn’t suck to be you. And while Eleanor Roosevelt was allegedly not a drag queen, she has a famous quote that just might help you lift that ego off the ground: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

While television and cinema may have us thinking of lonely women at candlelit restaurants clad in LBDs telling waiters to keep-em-coming with the wine, the fact of the matter is that being stood up doesn’t have to be so dreary. No matter who you are–man, woman, or in-between–being stood up is not about you, it’s about the other person. So laugh about the fact that you were considering dating such an obvious loser and be glad that you didn’t tap that.

Shanaca Grier

 
In lesbian culture this is often referred to as being stone. The stereotype is of a tough masculine woman who wears a leather jacket with combat boots and rides a Harley. They keep their strap-on with them at all times and are ready to forcefully fuck a girl in the bathroom stall of the local lesbian dive bar. They fuck with their shirt buttoned, their pants on and their boots laced. They’re intensely focused on the person they’re fucking because their pleasure is stemming directly from their ability to please their partner. Hot? Many seem to think so.

Of course, it’s just a stereotype. Stone persons don’t have to be butch, lesbian or female. They also don’t have to be tops or own a strap-on. They don’t even need to like wearing boots. The only constant in stone identity is a varying level of discomfort surrounding others touching their body. And they’re not alone. Plenty of trans persons and even straight cis men and women share their desire to please but not be pleased.

 

If this seems impossible to you, consider whether or not you like having your toes sucked. For some people it’s hot, for other it’s ambivalent and for some it decidedly sucks. Is it any leap that some people would have the same attitude surrounding their genitals?

If you’re dating a stone person, it’s important to remember that their stoneness is not proportional to your hotness and you won’t be “curing” them. This doesn’t mean they won’t change over time. They might or they might not. In the meantime, enjoy being the focus of their sexual attention.

Also remember that just because you can’t touch their bits, doesn’t mean you need to lay beneath them like a stiff log afraid of moving. Odds are they’re more than comfortable with your hands in their hair, on their back, face, arms and maybe even ass. You have nails, you have a grip, you have teeth and a tongue and just because those aren’t applied to an erogenous zone or aren’t leading to a big bang, doesn’t mean they can’t bring your partner a world of pleasure.

Also, don’t assume they don’t want to get off too. After watching you orgasm, they’re likely riled up and they might have established a way to keep their pants on and get off with you there. Ask them “What can I do for you?” and then don’t push the sexual envelope if they respond with, “lay here with me a while.”

If you’re with someone who is skiddish about being touched and they do one day answer that question with “touch me,” be supportive and don’t hesitate. Hesitation is a turn off for nearly everyone. There’s nothing like trying to push your own sexual envelopes only to be reminded of them at every turn. Your partner is a big boy or girl and they will stop you before you go too far.

If it doesn’t go well, keep your self confidence about you. It’s no different than if your partner decided to try anal only to find it wasn’t for them. There are as many variations of sexual expression as there are variations of people. Don’t get caught up in what people don’t like. Find out what they do.

Kole

www.developingkole.com

As many hospitals perform circumcision (removal of the foreskin of the penis) before postnatal discharge of a male infant, a circumcised penis has become common criterion.  For adult males, there is no revisiting life with foreskin, however some will always wonder if they got the raw end of the deal when they got their end chopped immediately after birth. .

The CDC reports that about two thirds of males born in the United States undergo this procedure.  There are a variety of reasons for this standardized practice.  Epidemiologists have determined that the instance of HIV infection and other STI’s is notably reduced in males with a circumcised penis.  Additionally, some studies have suggested that circumcision greatly decreases the risk of penile cancer.  Based on these two reasons alone, it seems reasonable that circumcision is warranted as a social norm.

However, circumcision can be a source of anxiety for both men who have and have not undergone the snip.  Some who were circumcised shortly after birth may report feeling as though circumcision was a presumptuous effort on the part of their parents and doctors to dictate that kind of body altering procedure at such a young age.  Some who haven’t been circumcised may report as adults harboring anxieties about introducing their uncut cock to new sexual partners.

For those doing dealings with dick, apart from a possible moment of surprise once you’ve met your full-length match, an unmodified penis is not unlike one that’s had the clip.  Researchers have proven that circumcision has no bearing on sensitivity of the penis.  Thus notions of an uncut penis being more sensitive and less likely to entertain are invalidated.  Additionally, many men with uncut junk are thoughtful when it comes to caring for their extra bits.  Surely there is a small chance you might run into the occasional dirtbag who doesn’t clean properly.  But an uncut cock does not forewarn a hygienic deficiency.

For those who have not yet been face to head with an untouched foreskin, it may be instinctive to communicate some kind of attention (be it marveling, or speculation) to your man’s joystick, this kind of attention can be counterproductive.  No one wants to be over thinking things when they are gearing up for a good drilling.  If your partner is practicing safe sex and is conscientious about hygiene, sex with a hooded hammer isn’t terribly different than one that’s been snipped.   In fact, studies are showing that the most recent trends in numbers of circumcision of male infants are dropping.  Circumcision has become socially expected, but is not considered medically necessary, or remarkably beneficial, even.  Ultimately, as long as you and your partner are each comfortable in your own skin, your matching confidence will manifest during sex, and you’ll find it doesn’t make much of a difference which model of dick your man is sporting.

R. Darling

Factors which effect the amount of calories burned include a man’s penis size, the position, location, and noises.

Contrary to popular belief, the size of a man’s penis has no bearing on his sexual performance ability. In fact, the smaller a man is the greater amount of calories can be burned during sex. Because a smaller man may need to work harder, increasing the effort he puts in to sex will increase the exercise achieved.

Depending on the position assumed during sex, more calories can be burned. The best positions that can be assumed to burn the optimal amount of calories include a position which allows plenty of movement, perhaps with both partners standing up. This increases the range of motion and energy needed to increase heart rate.

A location where the idea of being caught by an interloper will increase the opportunity for calorie burning. For example, having sex in an airplane bathroom will enable you to burn more calories than doing it in a traditional locale, such as a bedroom. The tight quarters of the room will also open you up to increased sweating and panting.

Sex noises, such as moaning, screaming, or growling, will increase the amount of calories burned, especially for men. When men hear a satisfied reaction to their sexual performance, they will become increasingly more aroused and excited, thus delivering a greater amount of fire down below. The invigorated man will also deliver a sharp jolt of energy to the female partner, further enabling her to burn more calories.

So, if sweating on a treadmill is your thing, ignore this advice. If you need a change of pace, head for the bedroom with your partner rather than picking up for gym card. Not only is sex fun, as demonstrated with the list, sex is also a great form of cardio workout.

Lynne T. Murray

But before you rush into that “no” consider saying, “yes.” If it’s going to cause you physical or emotional harm and you don’t want to do it, don’t. If it just doesn’t hold any more appeal to you than doing the dishes, then maybe it’s your night for dishpan hands.

The longer we move forward in relationships, the greater the comfort and sometimes your partner’s dirty sexual laundry will peak out of an open browser screen, find it’s way into your magazine rack or maybe in an act of post coital embrace they’ll feel safe enough to air their laundry to you directly.

They tell you they really like it when you push them onto the bed and ask if you’d put on a ski mask and fuck them while they tried to fight you off. You love them, you can’t imagine hitting them, and you don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t appear to be enjoying it.

Can you get over it?

What if it’s even more extreme? Maybe your partner has just told you they’d like you to shit on their stomach, but don’t worry, they’ll clean it up. One way to react to this is to tell them they need to see a shrink and then file for a divorce. Another way is to just say, “no,” and that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s disgusting; that’s probably why they want you to do it. But if grossness is the only issue, then can you do something gross if it fulfills the fantasy of someone you love?

Most of us find satisfaction engaging in activities that we don’t enjoy if we can witness our partner’s pleasure. Maybe you don’t like going to the museum, but maybe you do like watching your partner get excited when they look at a Raphael. Apply this concept to your sex life.

And don’t forget the other side of doing your partner a favor—the “I owe you one.” If your boyfriend wants you to jack him off with your feet, ask him if when you’re done he’ll lick your asshole. If you have a sexual fantasy and you’re concerned your partner won’t be inclined to participate, this is also an excellent way to broach the issue. First ask them about their fantasies. They might be more inclined to step outside their box for you if you will for them. Of course if your partner does say no, don’t push them. They have their reasons and the best time to enquire is not right after you drop a fetish bomb.

Compromise can be important. Maybe there are only parts of their fantasy that bother you. Maybe you just can’t do it. Can you talk about doing it? Dirty talk can go a long way.

Don’t sell your partner’s fantasy short either. Sure at first glance getting fucked in the ass might sound messy and painful, but there are millions of people out there who love it. Or maybe you just can’t see how playing doctor is supposed to be sexy. But then again, maybe you’ll be surprised.

At this moment, moms around the world are telling their children, “You don’t know if you like it until you try it.” And though no child would ever admit it, sometimes moms are right. Maybe it isn’t all that bad. Maybe you’ll even be the initiator next time.

Kole

www.developingkole.com

Take fire for example. There are plenty of pyromaniacs out there who will tell you that fire is safer to play with than it appears. There are people who eat fire. I’ve seen whips lit on fire for flogging scenes. It’s dangerous, but if you know what you’re doing, the danger is also manageable. Fire can hurt. It’s more than capable of burning you, but it doesn’t have to. If you light a baton on fire and move the baton over a person’s skin a blue glow will ignite on their body. Instead of letting it burn, follow behind the flame with your hand, caressing their skin and also immediately extinguishing the flame. The result is localized high intensity warmth. It softens and relaxes the muscles. It’s beautiful, it’s scary and it’s sensual. Yes, you can light portions of the genitals on fire too! But don’t do any of it without taking a class first.

Suspension is another kind of kinky play that can become extremely sensual. The rope tying doesn’t need to be overly physically restrictive and there’s room for a lot of sensual touching along the way. The real fun begins after the person’s been hoisted. There is some discomfort that goes with dangling in the air, but the possibilities in this position are worth it. Every action by your partner is met with a lack of resistance from your body. If they move into you, your body moves back with them. If they turn you to the left, you keep turning until they stop your motion. You’re weightless in their arms and I have seen an entire suspension scene that didn’t involve anything more than the top holding the bottom against his chest and swaying with her.

Power play often revolves around objectification, service, humiliation and punishment. Age play is now also a growing trend in the category of power play. This isn’t pedophilia. Age play is when an adult person plays the role of a child, teenager or even a baby. An age player might actually pretend they are 8 in a scene or they might skip the age regression and just forfeit their power to create an adult/child dynamic with their partner. The sensuality comes from the adult’s inherent role in caring for the child. A more typical type of power play might involve cumming on someone’s face while calling them derogatory names, but the expression of power in age play comes from the top caring for and protecting the bottom. Both situations can be hot and there’s no reason you can’t cum on your “little girl’s” face, but in this situation you might also follow the cum session with a bath.

Almost all kink can be sensual. Likewise, the sensual play mentioned above can take sadistic turns. It’s all a matter of degree and approach. Playing with extreme sensations or concepts can heighten the attention for both parties. Fire play is no casual massage.  Suspension is not be lifted and carried across the threshold. Age play requires more vulnerability than being bound to the bed. But they all offer unique experiences in sensuality.

Kole

www.developingkole.com

Condoms are the only way to ensure that you are protecting yourself from STI’s, and they have the added benefit of reducing the risk of becoming pregnant.  However for many women, additional precautions are the only way to ensure that we don’t catch an untimely bun in the oven.   There are a variety of hormonal birth control methods, and only through a discussion with your provider can you determine which is best for you.  But it is always wise to familiarize yourself with the options that are available before allowing a practitioner to assign any kind of therapy.  Deciding which form of birth control will be most convenient for you to adhere to will ultimately be your best bet when choosing contraception.

Combined Oral Contraceptive Pill: Known to us as ‘the pill,’ there is a variety to choose from.  Taken daily at the same time, these pills inhibit ovulation by releasing progestin and estrogen, and prevent pregnancy.  While oral contraception is one of the most widely prescribed forms of hormonal birth control available, it can be inconvenient to remember to take the pill at the same time each day.

Vaginal Ring: This method of contraceptive utilizes the same hormones as the pill.  By inserting the ring vaginally once each month, hormones are absorbed by the vagina and travel to the bloodstream.  The ring remains in place for three weeks, and is removed at the start of the fourth week, at the time of menstruation.

Contraceptive Patch:  Marketed as Ortho Evra the patch is worn on the skin.   Transdermal technology allows the hormones to be absorbed by the skin and sent to the bloodstream.  The patch is to be replaced weekly, and is as effective as the pill.

Birth Control Shot:  Marketed as Depo-Provera, this intramuscular injection is administered in the arm.  The shot lasts about three months.  The shot does not contain estrogen, and makes it a good choice for women who are unable to take estrogen, or who are breastfeeding.

Birth Control Implant: Marketed as Implanon, the implant utilizes the same hormonal composition as the injection.  The matchstick sized rod is insterted into the arm, and is effective for up to three years.  This is one of the longer lasting methods of contraception, and has the added benefit of allowing women to become pregnant soon after discontinuation of Implanon.

Intrauterine Device (IUD):  With a hormone-releasing version of the classic IUD, Mirena is a “T” shaped device that is inserted into the uterus to prevent pregnancy.  The IUD is highly effective and can last up to 12 years.  Much like the implant, the ability to become pregnant is regained shortly after withdrawal of the device.  While the IUD may seem the best choice for a long-term solution to hormonal contraception there are many risks associated with placement of an IUD that do not occur in other forms of birth control.

Whatever your personal needs, there is most likely a form of hormonal contraception that appeals to your schedule and needs.  As with any prescription therapy, each hormone based method of birth control carries unique risks and possible side effects.  Speaking to your physician about your options after having done some research is the best way to ensure that you are choosing a method that makes most sense to your every day life.  Bear in mind, hormone contraception does not reduce the risk of STI contraction, and is only a way to prevent unwanted pregnancy.  Used with condoms, any of these methods of birth control will give you peace of mind in knowing that you won’t be hosting a parasite of your own assembly for the next nine months.

R. Darling

There are a few concerns that come to mind when thinking about the validity of this question.  First off—some people are not going to know their number.  It is as simple as that.  Once you have reached a certain level of promiscuity, unless you are keeping black books or bedside tallies, having a number is unrealistic at best.  At worst, announcing some ridiculous number seems like a feeble attempt to appear to be some kind of Lothario.

Another issue lies in the tendency of some to not be completely honest about their elapsed affairs.  For the more modest, perhaps reformed partner, you may hear a number that’s been drastically downscaled.  On the other hand, a less confident or inexperienced partner may inflate their number, so as not to emerge as a dud.  There are some notions about what an acceptable sexual catalog may look like, but ultimately a ‘standard’ number is impossible to come by.   The socially accepted quantity of partners varies largely across demographics such as age or geographic location.

For many, summoning up sex partners of the distant past is an unnecessary annoyance.  And what ‘counts’ and what doesn’t is not always clear-cut.  Let us consider for a moment, those instants of interface where you have established a standard of sexual intimacy with someone without linking a P and a V.  So what qualifies as ‘sex’?  Who gets included in the tally, and who is negated on a technicality?

Ultimately, discussing a number of sexual partners is capricious and generally futile.   Before taking the time to tally and validate your complete record, consider instead, what exactly you are trying to gauge, and what this number is indicative of.   Focus on the more important matters that are often addressed, such as health status, or what you and your partner are hoping to achieve with one another.  Sometimes the bothersome relationship banter can present the opportunity for a useful time to converse about issues that may have a serious impact on the development of your relationship.  But if you are able to speak candidly about your personal experience with sex, what it means to you, and how it will shape your relationship, rolling the die to spit out a number should not be a priority.

R. Darling