There are depths to which the human mind should never be pushed, in the trenches of war, the fear from abuse, or watching any of the following videos.
This Ain’t Avatar XXX
Thaaaaaat’s right, only a year after he tried to change cinema, James Cameron’s ecological blue people movie had a “parody porno” about it (it came out about a month ago).
Many things have been said about Cameron’s Avatar. I just want you to know this is a dignified place and we will not engage in the flame war of brilliance vs. lame-tastic.
We're just saying...
What’s almost uncanny is how far Hustler took this parody porno movie. Not only does it feature blue skinned aliens (called Na’bi) on an alien planet (Panwhora) and humans going after a super rare material (viagratanium), but the movie has an astronomical production value in the adult film trade (though Hustler doesn’t have official numbers, it’s speculated as costing up to half a million dollars to produce).
Of course we know what audience this movie is aiming for. You know who you are. You can always be identified as the ones who said “You know the Na’vi looked really convincing, I don’t want to sound creepy but that girl’s make up was beautiful”. We all know, buddy. You don’t need the disclaimer (actually does Roger Ebert fit that description?) Here’s the video, because you’re probably ready to cream yourself in anticipation:
The “Twilight” Pornos
Along the same vein. Devil’s Studios has a Twilight parody movie series. That’s right, a whole fuckin’ series to match the whole fuckin’ trilogy. Many a great mind has fizzled trying to figure out who would buy porn parodying a series about Mormon vampires aimed at 14 year old girls.
...it was probably this guy
Specifically, the description for “This isn’t the Twilight Saga Eclipse: The XXX Parody” from Adult Video Universe reads “Now she has a life altering decision to make. Will she follow her animal lust for the dangerous and unpredictable and inhumanly sexy werewolf Jacob or follow her heart and go with her true love Edward and become a vampire so they can live, love and fuck forever?”
Huh. Doesn’t sound so different after all. Here it is:
Batman XXX: A Porn Parody
After much deliberation, this movie had to be added to the list.
This is another parody film aimed at taking a beloved franchise and destroying it, shattering your heart into a million pieces. But in its own way it does it so lovingly that you want to applaud its persistence. Because the simple fact is WHICH incarnation of Batman we are talking.
Not the Tim Burton vision of Batman and Michael Keaton. No, not the Nolan Batman with Christian Bale.
That’s right.
The Adam West Batman. BAM, POW, and ZONK Batman.
Then this definitely rates at least 8 or 9. They went the extra length to make sure it looked authentic even. But we must ask…who saw Adam West in 60s spandex and said “That would make a good porno”? Here’s a clip:
A Serbian Film
Recall if you will the last time someone told a dead baby joke. You remember how someone always had to one up the joke with something even more horrible and cringe inducing?
Now imagine that instead of dead baby jokes it was gory movies, and that basically describes A Serbian Film. It is probably the most controversially explicit film ever made, and is incredibly polarizing. Some people think it is the most subtle work of genius poetry ever. Others think it’s a juvenile attempt to get in the record books as the most disturbing film ever.
While all of the other movies on this list are mostly for laughs, even the most jaded mind will probably be unable to sit through A Serbian Film in a single sitting.
Some things cannot be said here, but it engages in every taboo ever, including pedophilia, dismemberment, necrophilia, and a particularly infamous scene where a woman has her teeth pulled out and orally raped until dead (yes, THAT movie). Consider that this article still stands by its claim there are things in this movie too graphic to even explain, and we’re not afraid to mention the pedophilia.
Some might object, calling A Serbian Film an artistic expression instead of porn, but when sex (that exists only to be sex) outnumbers the dialogue 3-to-1, it’s going in the porn column. If you feel you MUST watch it, at least spoil it on Wikipedia for yourself before you decide, you’ll thank me later.
E.T.: The Porno
Ending on another…lighthearted?…note, this can not be explained, only seen.
The ET Porno, or Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische as called in its native German, is exactly what it sounds like. Except this time ET has a vagina and is here to learn about Human sex lives.
In addition to destroying your childhood, the ET Porno takes place in seemingly Victorian England. I guess this is the image Germany has of the English speaking world at the time. It is (thankfully) hard to find in English. But perhaps that’s for the best.
Here’s the video if you want to watch it, don’t worry, we won’t judge you.
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