There are some fetishes that remain on the fringe. Erotic defecation, emetophillia, and diaper fetishes are a few that come to mind. But being dominated, humiliated, and even forced into sex still remains a common fantasy for many men and women. From XXX porn sites to the neighbours next door, dominance and rape fantasies seem to be spreading. Has masochism gone from taboo to tolerable? Can it be considered just a game, or a preference? Or is it, like many still say, a sexual disorder?
Laying Out the Definition
Masochism by itself is defined as the ability to receive sexual gratification by being insulted, dominated, humiliated, punished, and physically tormented. Though this fetish often goes hand in hand with submissiveness (the willingness to have someone dominate you and order you sexually), there are many sexually submissive people who are not masochists, and vice versa. To simplify this examination, I will treat masochism as a definitive umbrella for its own sexual properties, and the ones of sexual submission.
Masochism Under a Microscope: Scientifically It Makes Sense
On a strictly physical level, the idea of receiving pleasure from pain actually makes more sense than you’d think. A state of aroused fear is a very similar sexual state to physical arousal: heat, sweating, muscle tension, heart pounding, etc. It makes sense that one state could so easily be transferred to the other- both are connected by epinephrine (aka adrenaline), which creates a rush of both fear and thrill. The same goes for physical pain. Endorphins are released when the body is in pain, to combat the effects, and endorphin release is such a pleasurable high that people can get addicted to it. Levels of serotonin, another feel-good chemical, can also be affected during stints of pain or fear. Though the average person may not crave pain in a sexual sense, it makes sense that some would.
Shrink Me, Bitch: A Brief Psychological Evaluation
But there’s a lot more to consider when looking at sexual masochism. The psychology of the lifestyle has had psychiatrists scratching their heads since it was first addressed in 1886. The term comes from the last name of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the author of Venus in Furs, which carries the lascivious accounts of a man who loves a woman so much he begs to be abused by her and treated as her sexual slave. In affect, he uncovered the elusive urge of masochism, and at the same time, revealed a compelling notion: the theory that the longing to be put in pain is based on feelings of adoration and love. We’ll get to that little gem later.
Some say that masochism and its brother sadism (the desire to inflict pain on others) can be interchangeable in one psyche. Freud believed that a person could not just be a sadist or a masochist, but that both the urge to inflict pain and feel pain coincided together. Indeed, there are those who easily ‘switch’ the roles of the dominant or the submissive, but many can only be satisfied if they are the one put in pain. Gilles Deleuze firmly believed that the roots of each mental state were too far apart to be considered similar. He summarized that the root of masochism is an issue of infinitely delayed gratification, as well as the delight of turning someone into a cold, controlling individual, while the sexual sadist is urged by the law of one person always having to submit to another. As with any fetish, it would be impossible to completely deconstruct the reason behind the craving. Masochism manifests itself in different people for different reasons.
In The Mind of a Masochist
To understand what it’s like to feel pleasure from pain and comfort in humiliation, you have to literally rewire your entire system. No masochist would be disinclined to admit that what they feel is a contradictory state of being. The very definition of pain is something that causes a feeling of unpleasantness. For them, the definitions of pain and pleasure are ultimately interchangeable, and in that way, they do live a contradiction. That is what makes the fetish as compelling as it is confusing.
If an individual is having issues with their desires to be put in pain or humiliated, the method of resolution starts with finding out why they feel that way. If there’s some sort of horrific event or damaging relationship that turned their sensual thoughts from seduction to ravishment, then there might be cause for concern. You may also want to break out the worry if the masochism reflects some sort of self-loathing, guilt, or self-disgust. There are some who believe that the root of masochism is merely a recognition of ‘the human taint’, or the sin found in being human. These people claim that masochism is a way in which people express that guilt and desire to be punished.
If masochism is only serving as a symptom for such underlying emotional issues, then it should not be taken lightly.However, there are many who find no struggle or qualms with their sexual practices and consider it just a method of exploring deeper levels of trust. Others just get off on the thrill, the anticipation, and the pretend danger in being forced into doing something.
For many women, they enjoy the thought of being dominated and controlled because it accentuates the fact that they are desirable to men. If a man is ordering, teasing, spanking, or biting you, it shows a desire to have complete control, as well as a single-minded drive to focus on you and you only. As for masochistic males, there are similar feelings, as well as the fantasy of having a woman who is completely unabashed in ordering you to do depraved, unthinkable things. For men, the idea of the woman taking control leaves them free to explore realms of sexuality without feeling insecure that the woman will say no, because she is the one calling the shots and telling them what to do. It relieves the pressure of having to be secure or know exactly what you’re doing, and makes them feel, like the female, that their partner is overwhelmed with a personal desire for them. Mixing pain and pleasure may feel like a person is covering all realms of the senses, that there isn’t an inch of feeling in their body that their partner has not brought forth. Though it may seem to some like a dark and twisted world, one must also understand the allure in it.
Pain and Love: The Issue of Respect
So, you’ve found out your partner is a masochist. Or, maybe you’re the masochist. Either way, there’s an itch that can’t be scratched with subtlety. Often masochists find themselves entwined with sadists, so as to exhibit a completely mutual act of the giving and taking of gentle horrors. But a masochist does not need a sadist to exist, and the same goes for the former. If your masochistic urges lead you to one-night stands or expiring trysts, you don’t have to worry about the relational dynamics that may be affected. However, if you’re committed to someone, that adds a new complexity. Can it be like Sacher-Masoch implied- that masochism can harmonize or even be inspired by feelings of love? It seems that would all depend once more on a) where the masochistic feelings are spurred from and b) how intense or extreme the desires for pain and humiliation go.
There is a very thin line that couples should be aware of- the line between consensual masochism and abuse. That’s why people use methods like control words to satisfy their desires without crossing that dangerous border. Couples need to constantly be aware of the other person, both what they need and what they’re not comfortable with. Just as the non-masochist partner needs to get into the head of their lover to understand their fetish, the masochist needs to also understand why their suitor may not be keen to cause them pain. For a relationship to continue being respectful and mutual, each person must always take the other person’s comfort into account. What this will mean in the end depends entirely on the couple. For some, it may turn into compromises and light S&M inducted into their routine. Others may find themselves with partners who refuse to explore the idea of masochism at all, which may lead to them parting ways, or the masochist of the relationship letting fantasy stay in fantasy.
In the end, you have to find your line, and know that it’s okay not to cross it. Every couple should be open and comfortable enough to explore new things, as well as communicate to each other what they want (and don’t want) in bed. As long as noone leaves the room feeling invaded, then you may as well keep it safe, crazy and sexy, with an open mind and a whip in hand.
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