• Tweet
• Share
• Email

• Tweet
• Share
• Email

Two vaginas.

One dick.

Sound like the threesome of your dreams, boys?

Wrong. Let’s talk about a little well-kept secret known as the mythical world of Lesboland–where clits reign and boys bang at the gate for a little peak at the scandalous events raging in no-man’s land. Chances are, many of you eager outlaws could learn a thing or two from these sapphic ladies; unfortunately, we are just two teams that will never join forces. We’re like Yoda and Jabba The Hutt. Ohio State and Michigan. Sarah Palin and intelligence.

However, that doesn’t mean we can’t talk a little sex. For most of you men, the idea of finding a Barbie-like smooth space between your legs and throwing yourself into a harness boasting a raging silicone boner sounds a little…odd. I’ve heard men equate the use of strap-ons between lesbians to a natural and necessary act that derives from the innate female attraction to the Almighty Dick. The lesbian’s obvious penis envy leads her to cross the path of gender and buy a big bad penis so she can finally fulfill her dream of being indoctrinated into masculinity.

This is, sadly, incredibly wrong. I’m here to explain the attraction of the strap-on. I’ve never been a great saleswoman but here comes my greatest faux-penis speech. Think of a strap-on as a Dream Dick. Your own personalized, entirely customized to your needs and preferences, sexual entertainment system. Aren’t into skin-tone? Buy it purple, neon green, blue with glow-in-the-dark polka dots–the strap-on color wheel is endless. Aren’t a fan of balls bouncin’ around, smacking you obscenely with every thrust? Don’t need ‘em. Want to have an almost guaranteed, mind-blowing G-Spot orgasm? Buy it curved. Wish you could get just a bit more stimulation on that little clit of yours? Get one that vibrates. Like it big, small, short, long, straight, curved or double-ended? You. Got. It. Afraid of getting pregnant? Welcome to the greatest form of natural birth control on the planet. No unsupervised sperm and egg playtime to put you into a motherhood meltdown.

So you see, the strap-on is much more than just a silicone chunk on a harness. It’s a woman’s dream appliance. Personalized to her every sexual whim, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

The most interesting part to a strap-on, however, is definitely that first initial sexual session between two strap-on virgins. Imagine suddenly losing all feeling in that precious penis of yours–as if it had been left out on an arctic tundra and numbed into sensory oblivion. A woman can’t feel sensation in the penis, so knowing if it’s popped out or in the right place can sometimes be a bit tricky. It’s also an entirely new sensation for women, to be thrusting around like a maniac with some big phallic shaft sticking out of their crotch. It takes some work. You can’t run before you walk–this shit takes patience. But once you get the hang of it, it can be an incredible experience for both partners. While not being able to feel your dick may sound dreadful, many strap-ons come with a vibrator in the harness that stimulates the clit of the wearer with every thrust. Not to mention, the excitement of a new toy and sexual experience is often enough to be a raging turn-on. It’s also a real comfort to some women to know that their partner isn’t just out to get some for themselves–a woman fucking another woman with a strap-on is almost all about the receiver, not the bearer of the penis.

Strap-ons are also not just for women. Many men–and yes, straight-identifying men–enjoy anal penetration from strap-ons worn by female partners. Experimentation is one of the greatest parts of sex. Nobody wants the same boring bullshit routine for the rest of their sad sexual lives.

So ladies, men, anyone with a love for new experience and an awesome sexual openness–buy yourself a fancy strap-on. It will be an experience you’ll never forget.

Just don’t forget the lube.