Objectum-sexuality is defined as the love for, and sexual attraction to, inanimate objects. This is not to be confused with palling out with your favorite vibrator. Folks who identify themselves as objectum-sexuals engage in erotic and emotional affairs with objects including landmark structures, buildings, bridges, computers, trains, carnival rides, cars and anything else that calls out to them the way a human lover would. (Only, like, not out loud.)
Now of course those who embrace their objectum-sexuality are smart enough to know that stripping down in public and humping the Brooklyn Bridge or Seattle Space Needle might end with a a visit to the local jail (and a separation from their “lover”) on a charge of indecent exposure. So cleverly, they often opt to make miniature replicas of the structure that has captured their heart and loins so they can ravish them properly in the confines of their own home.
Here are ten people who are getting it on with partners they can’t bring home to mama:
1. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Erika La Tour Eiffel, 37, hails from San Francisco and is a former soldier. No stranger to OS, her first lover-from-not-a-human-mother was Lance, a bow that helped her to become a world-class archer. She has had an on-again off again fling with the Berlin Wall, claiming to have a physical relationship with a piece of fence kept in her bedroom. But it is the Eiffel Tower that is her true love. So much so that she pledged her fidelity to it during a wedding ceremony attended by a small circle of friends and changed her name legally to reflect her marital status.
2. Another Prick From The Wall
Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, of Sweden, celebrated her 31st wedding anniversary in 2010….to the Berlin Wall, having legally taken “his” heart and name in a 1979 ceremony. She claims the structure swept her off her feet at the age of seven after seeing “him” on TV, later collecting “his” pictures and saving up for visits to see “him” with “their” wedding occurring on the sixth trip. A self-admitted virgin when it comes to humans, Berliner-Maur says she has a fully intimate relationship . While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Wall, regarded world-wide as a symbol of suffering and hatred, came down in 1989, “Mrs. Wall” was devastated by its destruction and resigned herself to models depicting “her husband” in his glory days.
3. Arouse-ment Park
Amy Wolfe, age 32, of upstate New York, had enjoyed steamy romances with models of spaceships, the Twin Towers, a church organ and a banister. However, the love of her life is a fairground ride called 1001 Nacht, located at Knoebels, an amusement park in Pennsylvania. (Park slogan: “K-Food! K-Fun! K-noebels!) Plans for marriage are in the works following a “courtship” of 3,000 rides over ten years. The future Mrs. Weber (Wolfe will change her surname to Weber after the manufacturer of the ride she travels 160 miles to visit 10 times per year). she even sleeps with a picture of the ride on her ceiling and carries its spare nuts and bolts around to feel closer to it. Roller coaster enthusiasts take note: this bride is not jealous of other humans riding her betrothed.
4. Get Your Motor Running
Edward Smith, 57, of Washington is part of a subculture of objectum sexuality known as mechaphiliacs, those with a fetish for machines.Smith likens himself to the Wilt Chamberlain of vehicle romance- his dreamboats have all been cars and he claims to have bedded 1,000 of ‘em. Currently smitten with a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, he also enjoys sexy-time with other cars in his showroom including a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash named Ginger.
Asked about his most intense sexual experience, this true car lover cited the time he got down and dirty with the helicopter from the 1980s TV show “Airwolf.”
5. Pillowtalk- No Rest For The Horny
At night after he puts the lights out, Lee Jin-gyu of Korea does more than plump his pillow- he plumps his pillow. Lee fell in love with his ‘dakimakura’ – a body pillow made in Japan featuring a picture of a popular anime character printed on the side. For Lee, his literal dream-girl is Fate Testarossa from the ‘magical girl’ anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha. At age 28, this otaku (a Japanese equivalent of the English terms for “nerd” and “fanboy”) made an honest pillow out of Fate, wedding “her” in a special ceremony after making sure “she” was fitted with a proper wedding gown.
6. Really Never Forgetting
Although her romance was shattered during the biggest ever terrorism attack on US soil, 25-year old Sandy K., an objectum sexual residing in Berlin, was able to sustain her the relationship with her soulmates, the Twin Towers, by constructing a model on a scale of 1:1.000.
Having been enchanted by the Towers since the age of eight, Sandy confessed, “When it comes to love, I am only attracted to objects. I couldn’t imagine a love affair with a human being.”
The facade of Sandy’s replica is constructed from anodized aluminium, just like that of the original “so that the model feels true to life,” she says. An additional perk? The mini version doesn’t rust, allowing Sandy to “take a pleasant bath with it.”
7. Alllll Aboard!
Joachim A. was just 12 years old the first time he fell in love wholly and intensely, igniting a long-term relationship that spanned years. His lover? A Hammond organ .
Those days of his organ enjoying his organ behind him, Joachim has been in a long term, monogamous relationship with a steam locomotive for several years. However, the pitfall of being fascinated with and seduced by the inner mechanics of objects is the possibility of repair jobs leading him sexually astray. “A love affair could very well begin with a broken radiator,” he explained.
With Apple launching the latest and greatest products seemingly every 10 minutes, it is well known that devotees of the brand are in love with the technology and sleek appearance of these iconic electronics. Psychology student Bill Rifka, 35, is interested in the company’s innovations for an even deeper reason- he is literally in love with his iBook. (Though he admits that once in a while his eye wanders to “many a sweet laptop on eBay.”) Like all objectum-sexuals, Rifka also sees his partner as being of a specific gender, exclaiming, “To me, my Mac is male. I’m living in a homosexual relationship.”
9. Industrial Sex
A 41-year-old known only as Doro B., is in the throes of an all-consuming relationship with a metal processing machine at her workplace known as a “shemet.” Immediately sensing a female presence upon first sight, this whirring lover continues to turn her on with its “sweet hum.” But technical malfunctions can cause stress on the relationship. Explained Doro in her online journal, “My sweetie had one of her tantrums and junked her measuring appliance.”On a daily basis, Doro displays her affection primarily through pecking and caresses — not really caring who is watching. When she’s home and finds herself lonely, she takes out a component or a model of her playmate, being careful to clarify, “That’s not a substitute; it’s more like a supplement. That’s why it doesn’t count as cheating. The model serves as a kind of fax machine that conveys my feelings to my beloved.”
So much media exposure via documentaries and news articles has been granted to those living in the OS community in recent times, that art is beginning to imitate their lifestyle.The hit show Nip/Tuck featured a plastic surgeon with a strong sexual and emotional attraction to furniture (couches in particular), referring to himself on the show as someone with object sexuality….and suffering the humiliation a tryst interrupted by other characters on the show.