So you’re out at a bar, in the club, at a socialist rally—whatever you’re into. It’s been a while since you’ve scored, and some cute thing catches your eye. Or maybe you’ve given up on the directly social scene and are opting to find someone via online dating service. But the question remains: where to begin? Where indeed. There are thousands of ways to begin a conversation or correspondence, including compliments, discussions of common interests, questions about that possible significant other’s point of view. Here, however, are a few pitfalls that many fall into, and ones that I have personally experienced. This guide is written from the female perspective as relating to men, but any and all types of people can, I think, relate in some way to the advice given.
Let’s start simple:
1. “I hope you know CPR, because you just took my breath away.”
This happened to a friend of mine, who followed up her report with the comment, “Yay, creepy dudes on the subway.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve memorized a clever little pun about mirrors in pants or falling from heaven or something to that effect. No one, I know, expects these to work in a non-ironic way (I hope, anyway), but there are some who will use these kinds of lines as a joke, an ice-breaker of sorts, to get a conversation started. Often, it seems to stem from insecurity on the part of the user; instead of simply saying, “Hey, what do you think of this band?” or “That’s a really interesting tattoo, can you tell me about it?” they feel the need to come in with something prescripted. It’s a mistake. Really. If this guy-on-the-subway had said something even as bland as, “How about this crazy weather, huh?” he might not have gotten a phone number, but would have likely been able to avoid being branded “creepy.” An honest, relevant comment or question is far better. Trust yourself. You’ll come off as a conversationalist rather than a desperate creep.
2. “You’re probably not interesting or smart enough to really get along with me. I’m only into really intense ladies. You’re probably not good enough.”
This is a popular ploy that can be found lurking on online dating sites, but something rarely uttered in person (for fear of physical violence). I’ve boiled the general sentiment down a bit, but the blurb that can be found online is a bit longer. Way too much longer, if you ask me. Typically, it’s akin to a form letter; stupid dudes copy and paste it from some “seduction culture” site and hope for a bite, the irony being, of course, that someone so lacking in imagination to copy-paste a dating profile should be so demanding of the other party in terms of interest. In person,this form of “pick-up” usually takes the form of a more personal, specific criticism, something challenging the intended target’s taste, ideology, or personal preferences, one that can be easily observed in a public setting. The idea is that the wording is so inflammatory, so challenging to a woman’s sense of self, that she will be compelled to prove you wrong, to prove what an intelligent, hot, sexy, intriguing babe she is…by going on a date/sleeping with you. No. No, no, and no. If you’re the kind of guy who thinks that telling a woman she’s “not good enough” is a surefire way to get into her pants, you’ve got many long years of masturbation ahead of you, my friend. And let’s be serious. If you’re using something like this, you’re not looking for proof of intelligence. You’re looking for lack of it. Trust me, you’re better off, and even kinder, by being honest: “I’m looking for someone so insecure with herself that she’ll sleep with a loser like me for the fleeting, insubstantial illusion that she’s proven her self-worth. I promise to play along.”
3. “Well, you probably haven’t experienced the real world. I can teach you all about the world.”
Somewhere along the way, some guys fall under the impression that all women are wide-eyed ingénues in need of a teacher, someone to show them the “real” life and “open them up” to what’s “really” going on. This relates to the above line, and often occurs within the same, doomed conversation—if it even gets far enough to encompass both lines. The sentiment here is that the intended target is in need of some kind of rescue from the banal mediocrity of what she thinks life really is. Newsflash: “real life” is not your bottle of Aura Cacia massage oil and CD of chanting monks. In addition, like the line above, openly and bluntly criticizing someone, particularly someone you ostensibly don’t know, is not likely to get you laid. It’s likely, in “real life” to make you come off like a condescending asshole. If you are genuinely interested in or even puzzled by someone’s viewpoint, try asking questions instead of flat-out invalidating them. Because here’s the “real” truth. If you’re trying to pick someone up, chances are, you know very little, if anything, about that person and that person’s experiences. Therefore, you cannot logically assume that you know more, are more attuned to “real life” than, or hold more valid opinions than that person. So instead of saying, “That’s not how life really works,” when confronted with an opinion that might not mesh with your own, try saying, “Really? I never thought of it that way. What was it that made you come to that conclusion?” This way, not only do you come across as someone interested in the opinions of others, you can deduce whether the opinions voiced will clash with your own or not.
4. “Hey, are you [insert ethnicity here]? I think [insert ethnicity here] chicks/dudes are totally hot.”
Really, really, don’t use this. There’s no better way to out yourself as a complete douchebag than using this gem. For one thing, making a judgment based solely on someone’s physical appearance, which is usually the way this interaction goes down, is never a good idea. I’ve had many people guess at my ethnicity, and the majority of the time, they are working off a stereotype of that ethnicity. Also, the majority of the time, they are completely wrong. Occasionally, people won’t even bother to ask, but go right ahead with the second part, simply assuming that their assessment of ethnic background is correct. Secondly, making a “hotness” assessment based on ethnicity makes you, frankly, a creep. I understand that everyone has a type, and that these types often involve certain physical traits. However, it’s perfectly possible, even common, to be sexually attracted to people who share physical traits but have different heritages. The statement above, however, implies that the ethnicity, not the individual, is the object of desire, and fetishizing an entire culture makes you look simply ignorant at absolute best, and like a racist at worst. Declaring a group of people “exotic,” for example, is not a progressive move. Consider some of the racial stereotypes that have plagued various groups of people for many, many years. Consider that a sentiment like the one above likely stems, at least in part, from these stereotypes. So look. If someone catches your fancy, don’t immediately jump on the person’s heritage.
5. “Would you like to pose for a painting/photo session/be in my film?”
Nothing says, “I’m creepy” like spouting this line. If you’re really interested in finding someone to pose or act for you, post an ad online or in a community arts center with your phone number and email address and some information about your project (assuming you have one) and they’ll come to you. I promise. Approaching random people in bars is not professional. Nor is it attractive. This line, in a setting like a bar, party or club, essentially translates to most women as, “I want to see you naked. Can I see you naked and take pictures?” A public place that involves alcohol is not at all the place to search for models to help you on your artistic journey.
6. “Don’t be so uptight.”
This is usually said in response to someone ducking out of an awkward or inappropriate hug or other unwanted physical contact. It’s something that many people use as a manipulative tactic to coerce people into getting into uncomfortable situations. I’ll say this slowly: No. Means. No. If someone ducks out of a hug, steps back, or pushes you away, let them go. Being aware of what is and is not okay physically is not being “uptight,” it’s being conscious of oneself. If you desire to touch someone, you can always ask. “Can I give you a hug?” or “Can we dance a little closer?” are okay questions. If the other person says no, however, that’s okay, too.
7. “I’m going through a really tough time. I feel like my soul is broken. Can you come back to my place and comfort me?”
Guys—and gals—who use this line are known as “sensies.” Like, they’re really sensitive and they really feel everything, you know? Connected to this line is usually something about a bad breakup (extra points for infidelity), the death of a loved one (pets count) or any number of bummers. Sure, everyone goes through bad times and needs comforting, but ask yourself this: If you were really hurting, would you tell it all to some stranger, no matter how attractive? More often than not, the sob story is a serious embellishment, if not a total fabrication, and indicates a callous and manipulative nature. If misfortune has befallen you, as it befalls everyone from time to time, using that misfortune to score with a hottie is a pretty shallow move. If you can use it to that kind of advantage, chances are you weren’t that broken up about it to begin with. If you are really broken up about it, drowning your sorrows in alcohol and a one-night stand is probably not going to help in the long run. It’s true that sex raises endorphin levels, but it is temporary. If something is really bothering you, seek professional help or the counsel of a good friend or even a good fuckbuddy. If you just want to pick someone up, leave the emo stuff out of it.
So hopefully this helps some of you out there. Remember. The best way to pick someone up, be either party male, female, somewhere in between or something else entirely, is to just be yourself. Don’t rely on ploys or schemes, just relax and be honest. If you’re nervous, have a friend come along with you to fill in any awkward silences (courtesy dictates buying your friend a drink, though). If you’re at a loss, talk about something that’s going on in the moment. Whatever silliness might ensue, I promise it’s better than a stale, empty pickup line.
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