tagged: death, Horse, King Edward II

Sexual Deaths – 10 Not So Awesome Ways To Go

Posted by admin in Bizarre, Interesting

Sex is a pretty common phenomenon in the world. A 2003 Durex study found that across the globe,  people have sex an average of 127 times a year.  With 6.6 Billion people, there are likely probably more than 2 billion  sex acts each day.  Unfortunately, like anything else, there are a few people who fail miserably at it.  So miserably in fact, that they actually die during the process. About one in every one hundred people in the U.S. die due to some sort of sex-related event. Normally, we’d think that’d be the way we’d like to go, but not if it wound up being anything like these stories (and yes we realize not all of these were intentional sex acts, but merely involved their sex organs/anus) …

10. Naked couple fall to their deaths

Couple is found naked lying in the street with fatal injuries. Their clothes are found on the roof of the building next to them.

Wait… What?

Brent Tyler and Chelsey Tubleston, both 21, were students at the University of Carolina in 2007. They had been dating for a while and were sexually active, according to friends. Most people would agree that it’s normal for couples to engage in sex in semi public places, which includes rooftops, but by God, how in the hell do you manage to fall off of a flattop roof? During the ecstasy of roof-sex, the couple accidentally rolled off the side, falling over 50 feet to their sexual  demise. A cab driver found them sometime during the night in a mangled heap. On top of all this, the building they fell off of was an office building, because there’s nothing sexier than fornication on the nearest HSBC. (Source)

Hawt.

9. Crushed by a car

Man  found dead in a hole underneath the tire of his sports utility vehicle.

Wait… What?

For the sake of this story, we’ll call our friend “Bryan”. Bryan had a strange fetish where in he got off to animals being crushed to death, specifically at the hands of a woman. While this fetish mainly involves the crushing deaths of small woodland creatures, such as rabbits and mice, Bryan wanted an even bigger thrill. He would crush HIMSELF in the ultimate sexual fantasy, only in real life! Pure genius! Bryan’s wife,  Stephanie, claims that she was forced to crush the poor creatures for his sexual pleasure. If she resisted, he apparently beat her, so you can imagine the twinkle in Stephanie’s eyes when the very person she thought should be punished came up to her with a board and said,  “Drive over me”.

As Bryan crawled into a small pit in their garage, Stephanie put their car into reverse and slowly backed over Bryan. By our guess, Bryan enjoyed being crushed for about .0034 of a second before realizing that maybe he should have gone with bondage, or maybe even feet. (Source)

No No, David Archuleta! Not that kind of Crush!

8. Couple Run Over by Train

A naked man and woman were found mangled together on a set of train tracks. Their clothes were next to the tracks.

Wait… What?

A conductor of a train in South Africa reported seeing a man and a woman engaging in sexual acts while on the train tracks. The conductor tried to warn them about being run over, but they proceeded to carry on doing the dirty. So, the train ran over the pair, who died with each other and their stupidity. Neither of the bodies have been identified, and African authorities are asking anyone who has missing relatives to come forward to try and identify the bodies.

Let us ask you this: If you live in Africa, and your relatives go missing, and it happens that they might have been run over by a train while having sex, would you really WANT to know if that was your flesh and blood? Honestly, it could go either way. (Source)

If this train had hit them, you'd probably find the bodies in South Dakota

7 . Couple Killed in a Plane Crash

A man and woman are found in the wreckage of a small single-engine plane crash.

Wait… What?

Number seven comes all the way from the very official sounding National Transportation Safety Board. In 1991, a plane was reported to have crashed somewhere in Florida. Only two people were on board. A male pilot and a female pilot. Witnesses recall seeing the single engine plane weaving around before crashing to earth.

When the wreckage was finally found, it was discovered that neither of the pilots were wearing their seatbelts at the time.  The report also states that the pilots were both lacking clothing, which were strewn about the plane’s insides and that none of the clothes showed any sign of tearing, meaning they were taken of voluntarily.  Lastly, the pilots were found on the passenger seat, which had been fully reclined to form a sort of makeshift bed. No one was flying the plane at the time of the crash.
The NTSB released this about the crash: “The pilot in command’s improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities [sex] not related to the conduct of the flight.” (Source)

The only way this story could possibly be better.

6 & 5. Humphrey do Bohun/ King Edward II

Old School Penetration! They really got the point.

Wait… What?

A man named Humphrey do Bohun was a very powerful man in England during the 1300′s.  He spoke out against the excesses of King Edward II.  He led troops to many victories in many places, until the day of his demise.  Bohun was leading a charge at the battle of Boroughbridge. Now, let’s look at this for a second. When you’re in a battle, people are going to die. You expect shit to go down hard, but this death is just unpleasant no matter what the circumstances. Even though it’s not really about sex, it involves certain areas that can be utilized for such acts.

What happened to Bohun was that while he was leading the charge, a pikeman, hidden under the bridge, forced his pike up through the floor, and directly into the anus of Bohun. The spear went into his intestines and basically did a number on his lower half. As the story goes, Bohun’s screams of death alone was enough to send his troops running in fear.

Ho-oly Shit

The Story doesn’t end there. In some ironic twist of fate, King Edward II was executed in his sleep years after Bohun’s death, landing him the number five spot on our list. Edward’s wife had been planning his execution, and in 1327, her servants seized Edward while he was sleeping and stuck a heated up, red-hot iron rod directly in his anus, causing him to scream like an eleven-year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert, and completely destroyed his insides, just like the Jonas Brothers music, up to his intestines. He died a painful and slow death.

4. Horse Penetration

A man’s insides were turned into soup by a horse.

Wait… What?

This one is actually pretty well known. A man who we will call “ken” had a thing for sneaking onto people’s farms and having sex with horses. In other words, he got off to taking it up the ass from a two-foot horse dick. Ken had apparently done this for years without a problem until one fateful day in 2005. He brought a friend along to film the bestiality and they commenced with the act. Afterwards, Ken told his friend he think he got hurt pretty badly inside. In the first good idea of the day, Ken’s friend suggested he go to the hospital. Ken refused on account of explaining what happened would affect his image. He died hours later from internal bleeding.

The video was released and somehow made its way to the internet, where thousands of people claim to have seen it. If you are interested in watching it, you are sick. We have seen it (yes that makes us sick) and we’re not going to link you to it, but if you must see it, the video goes by the name of “Mr. Hands”. (Source)

3. Give a Dog a Bone

A Local gets frisky with Fido.

Wait… What?

Number three is the story of a local drunk in Thailand. From previous entries, you should know by now that Thailand is a bit “different” sexually. Going back to the story, a man was drinking with a few of his buddies, when he noticed a stray dog was walking along, shakin’ that ass all sexy like when he decided he’d like to be inside that dog. He grabbed the dog and attempted to rape it,  but instead of making sweet love back,  the dog turned around and mauled him. It bit his face, arms and… yeah. The man dragged himself to a hospital where he admitted to attempting to rape three other dogs that night. He claimed that if he had more money, he would have gone to a prostitute.  He didn’t die, but he won’t be having kids for sure. (Source)

This dog wishes someone would just try to rape him.

2. Hendoist Air Pumper

Boy kills self with air pump.

Wait… What?

We here at Theirtoys don’t necessarily feel bad for number two seeing as this story is a rumor, but it is a terrible, real thing. There apparently is a fad running around where teenage boys are taking bicycle pumps, sticking the hoses up their ass and pumping air into themselves to get off. Where the hell do they come up with these things? Oh wait, did we mention that the bulk of this craze comes from THAILAND? Again, Thailand, what the fuck?

Our protagonist is a thirteen-year old boy who decided that the two foot bicycle pumps he had just wasn’t enough, so he boasted to his friends that he was going that night to the local gas station to use the air pump machine. You can  see where this is going. The boy sneaks into the gas station, inserts the tube, puts the money in the machine and braced himself for the ride of a lifetime. The force that the air pump puts out is dozens of pounds per square inch per second. Combine that with the ass of a thirteen-year old boy and you’ve got a problem. The boy was almost blown in half as the pressure ripped open his waist and sent him flying. He promptly died, in order to avoid the embarrassment. (Source)

Oops, wrong pump.

1. Exploding Chair

Teenager killed by his own chair.

Wait… What?

Finally, we give you number one, which isn’t really a sex-related death, but might as well be on this list due to the way this person died.
A fourteen year old boy was killed in February when the computer chair he was sitting in exploded, sending metal shrapnel into his rectum. The boy was able to scream for help, but the ambulances didn’t arrive until an hour later, which by then was too late. The chair was a gas/hydraulic chair, which is a pretty common type of chair. The gas had apparently built up to great amounts due to a malfunction and the boy constantly changing the height of his chair. After a while, something had to give, and it was the chair’s seat. Honestly, we have been sitting in wooden chairs here since we read about it. The chances of it happening are incredibly unlikely, but we’re not taking any chances when it comes to metal shards impaling us up the ass. (Source)

We just shat ourselves.