There’s no denying it. We, as Americans, think that most Brits are hot. As proven by our love for David and Victoria Beckham, Rachel Wiesz, Orlando Bloom, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Keira Knightly, Christian Bale, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, Audrey Hepburn, Robert Pattinson… okay, this list could go on. Very hot. Yes, they are also amazing actors and athletes and singers and what-not. But their exuberant personalities, cheeky wit and those delicious accents don’t hurt either.
Have you ever tried seeing a British pulp flick, though? Or having a lengthy and genuine conversation with a Brit fully immersed in their culture and, specifically in British cultural slang? Let’s just say there’s a reason why some obnoxious American tourists who’ve headed across the pond yell “Speak American, dammit!” There are plenty of differences between our languages to cock an eyebrow at.
So here’s a list of ten deliciously naughty British phrases to throw out with as much American zeal as possible when you find yourself snogging a smooth-talking Brit at some pub in London. And then here’s another ten that are just ‘bloody brill’. So awesomely brilliant that you might think they’re sexually directed, when they’re really just a colorful and crass way to speak descriptively. Pop one out. You’ll thank me.
“Best of British” to you… best of luck.
Naughty British Slang
Someone who is a bit naughty and slightly rude, but in an extremely attractive and provocative way. Say you’ve been at the pub, tickling fingers, locking eyes and exchanging seductive banter. The pub’s about to close. Your gentlemen friend comments that instead of saying goodnight he’d rather say good morning. Cheeky bugger! (Note: This can apply to a lady was well as a man, and is much cuter when crossing genders).
Arse Over Tit:
Ah, we think those Brits are so refined and elegant. Then they pop out with a crasser version of “head over heels”. Use this one carefully, as an American saying “arse” could sound more silly than sweet when describing how you feel about someone.
This literally means “one who jerks off”. Similar to asshole, twat, jackoff etc. But, ladies, use this one selectively if you’re trying to seduce. Make sure it’s so sweet and intimate and sexy that it’s clear an invitation is included. Otherwise it comes off as a bit overboard when said by a woman. Man to man? It’s the kind of insult you don’t wanna get.
Slap and Tickle:
Ready for roll in the hay? A bit o’ making out? Some tummy tango? Then you’re ready for a “slap and tickle”. Naughty, but nice. Sexy, but sweet.
Like a “slap and tickle”, but a bit more reserved for what could be done in public… in some places… think lips and groping.
Remember, please, not to shag without protection. Like a “slap and tickle” or a “snog” that’s gone all the way. “Knobbing” also works. You could also use “bonk”, but it just doesn’t sound as cool.
We can also thank the Brits for giving us slang that helps us say what we sometimes just don’t want to say. If someone has an uncontrollable VD of an extreme sort, they’ve got a “galloping knob-rot”. Use this phrase with caution. And if someone throws it at you, just leave.
Peach = bum = ass. So if you want to remark on someone’s delicious derriere, remark on their “sexy peach”. And if you’re called one, offer a wink back.
A consequence, maybe, of some hardcore gym-time, “fit” has less to do with specifically being in shape as it does “hot” or “sexy”. So call someone fit and it’s a clear sign that they’re desirable. Throw in a “really” or “so” or “very” and it’s even clearer. Damn, you are so fit!
If you’ve ever seen Austin Powers: Goldmember, you’ve gotten a taste of Cockney rhyming slang, as Mike Meyers and Michael Caine so expertly demonstrate so Goldmember can’t understand a word they’re saying. In this circumstance, a hot set of panties or drawers = knickers = Alan Whickers. So when you’re flirting horribly and are given some naughty talk back, just slyly ask, “are you trying to get into my Alan Whickers?” Priceless. Oh, and if you hear “wow, those are some passion killers”, it means that your knickers are so unattractive you might be shown a taxi home.
Just For Fun
Like both men and ladies? Don’t we all?! Like to snog, shag or bonk both men and ladies? Then you might just be a bit AC/DC. It’s a witty and not particularly demeaning way to say someone has bisexual tendencies. Use as an adjective, not a noun, please.
This one will make the Americans in a room laugh hysterically while the Brits won’t even bat an eye. It means “blow me over” or “knock me down”, an expression used when you’re just “bowled over”. It has nothing to do with sexual acts, though one of those might blow you, come to think about it.
A variation of our “he’s being such a dick”. If someone’s being a “scrote”, chances are they’re not acting particularly pleasant. Try the double whammy of “bugger off, you scrote!” if you’ve been hassled at the bar.
All Mouth and No Trousers:
Sadly, this has nothing literal to do with someone being an amazing snogger but horrible shagger. It’s the American equivalent of “all talk and no action”. Someone who doesn’t have the balls to back up a boast. “Bugger off, you scrote, you’re all mouth and no trousers!”
All To Cock:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for giving us this little delight. In a perfect example of how the Brits, while seemingly reserved and not as sexually-charged as we hokey Americans, exceed us by far in sexual innuendos, this is our equivalent of “it’s all gone to shit”. Americans use “shit”. Brits use “cock”. I think that explains a lot about the relationship between our great nations.
Don’t think about this one too long, or it may come back to you at highly inopportune moments. It means vagina. Sorry for giving you that one to muse on. Another one of the same definition is “gaping axe wound”. Do we really need more of these?
This has nothing to do with a large amount of beer. Keg = trousers. To keg someone is to yank their trousers down, usually to their embarrassment in the most public of public places. If someone tells you they’re gonna keg you, run fast.
A person with pubic hair. The opposite of this would be a “shaven haven”. So don’t sound like an arse and talk about a “sconner with a shaven haven”. You’ll shame us all.
There seems to be much modern debate as to what constitutes a “nerd” versus a “geek”. Thanks to the Brits, we’ve got “neek”, which means you never need to take sides. Do not confuse this with a “narc”. Though in theory a narc could be a neek.
Posh and Becks:
In a delightful tribute to Cockney rhyming and the royal Beckhams, getting a little “posh and becks” means you’re getting a good shag, bonk, knob etc. Posh and Becks = Sex. Delightful.
Princes William and Harry: http://www.aolcdn.com/red_galleries/prince-william-harry-400ds0.jpg
The Beckhams: http://theglobalherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/beckhams.jpg
Keira Knightly: http://imstars.aufeminin.com/stars/fan/keira-knightley/keira-knightley-20080221-380364.jpg
Orlando Bloom: http://thefilmstage.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/orlando-bloom.jpg
Catherine Zeta Jones: http://images.newcelebritypics.com/img/celebs/images/c/catherine_zeta_jones_in_a_sexy_dress-1325.jpg
Rachel Weisz: http://blogs.coventrytelegraph.net/passtheremote/assets_c/2010/01/rqw-thumb-348×448.jpg
Kate Winslet: http://www.hollywoodmeddler.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/kate-winslet.jpg
Christian Bale: http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/49913-christian_bale.jpg
Jude Law: http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/database/judelaw/judelaw300.jpg
Stephen Moyer: http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/11/19/true-blood-star-stephen-moyer-brittany-murphy-and-luis-guzman-answer-the-caller/