Not only is outer space the final frontier for human beings, but it will also be the final frontier for human boning. If humans even exist as a species in a couple billion years, the sun will become a red giant and and completely destroy our solar system. In the meantime, we need to be hanging out in all other seven planets (sorry, Pluto) and their moons so we can get a better understanding of how to travel to those Earth-like planets in other solar systems. There are tons of them. Yes, of course jumping around to Venus and Titan will be amazing enough, but just think about how interesting sex will be when you’re not surrounded by earthly blues and greens. Some will be fun, some will be stupidly dangerous, but some can call for wildly inventive body positions.
Mercury
The closest planet to our sun is a mystery to most scientists. A mystery of extreme heat, frigid cold, and deep craters. Getting it on would be very difficult because there is no atmosphere. You could still do the deed, though. Just grab on tight and roll around to avoid all the debris landing on every inch of the planet. Too hot? As you thrust away, duck into a crater and chill your bare buns on the ice caps waiting along the bottom. People say that doing it in the snow is fun, right? Most people would agree that getting all hot and sweaty is sexy, eh? And who doesn’t like getting pelted in the face with asteroids as you recite your baseball stats? Well, Mercury will provide all your sexual needs.
Venus
Named after the goddess of love, Earth’s sister planet sounds like it should house a utopia of lush vines, fertile soil and ever-ripening grapes. Actually, the scene is a much more violent type of love. Imagine stumbling off your spaceship, ripping off your lover’s bulbous suit and throwing them down into the dusty dirt covering most of Venus. As your tumble your backs are prodded with sharp, scaly rocks. All around you giant volcanoes erupt and spew lava across the landscape. Most of all, the pressure on the surface is nearly 100 times what you’re used to, so even if you want to pull out to give your willy a break, the forces of Venus wouldn’t allow it. You’d be forever locked together, surround by lava and dust. Sounds pretty great, actually.
Mars
The most striking thing about grinding gears on the Red Planet is that you’d probably end up in some pool of water. We now know that there are ice caps at the poles and even traces of water below the surface. What could be sexier than getting all sweaty in the brown dust of the surface and retreating to a cool lake at the base of an inactive volcano to wash the mud off your bodies? Nothing. Nothing at all. Sign me up.
Jupiter
If you could survive all of Jupiter’s harsh weather, you could have sex for a very long time. Obviously the planet huge. Three Earths could squeeze inside that famous red storm spot. Also, there is no surface, only gas and clouds. The best way to have sex here would be to start immediately after jumping out of the space shuttle and keep banging away as you fall the 3,100 miles to the planet’s center. That’s about five times the distance a skydiver jumps here on Earth. You could take the time to enjoy the session because you’d pass through dense clouds and varying pressures, slowing down your fall. The only thing is that you probably wouldn’t even survive to see Jupiter’s core because of the gargantuan lightning cracking all around your throughout the entire atmosphere. If you’re kinky enough, maybe it would feel like a cattle-prod buzzing your butt. Jupiter sex is for extreme lovers only.
Saturn’s Rings
Here’s a good place for a fun game. Since all nine rings are made up primarily of ice particles and rocks, try hopping from one ring to the next along a path of rocky ice crystals. For every ring you hit, perform a new sex position. Once you get to the innermost ring, head back to the front to start all over again. Obviously, this feat will only be possible many thousands of years into the future when spaceships have unlimited fuel to hover idly while you bone your way along an ice path. And you might need some kind of super jumping shoes to get from ring to ring, but let me know how it works out.
Neptune
Yes, it looks blue, but sex on Neptune would not be the same as sex with the Na’vi on Pandora. Instead of hot jungles with beautiful animals you’d get think gasses and the coldest winds in the solar system. At 1,300 miles per hour, these winds are so fast that you could probably ride them forever as you ride your mate. Wear a parka though, and maybe a couple extra condoms to keep your member and your lady nice and warm, because even Neptune’s core is made up of ice particles.
Uranus
Yes, the sex on here would be much like on Neptune, but without the constant winds. And no, I will not state the obvious.
Pluto
No longer a planet, but still a good destination for those of you who like to have the sex out on the fringes. If you like getting it on in the forest or a shady part of a city, the Pluto is great for you. So little is known about the surface, but there is more than likely an actual surface on which to have sex. It’ll be cold and icy, sure, but if you’ve made it this far, through the freezing winds of the ice giants, Pluto will be a cake walk. Scientists even predict that, since it’s axis is so tilted, there could be multiple seasons. Unfortunately, all the seasons on Pluto will be full of subzero temperatures, which might make it a little tough for your penis to get all hard. Sex way out here should be accompanied by a serious prescription of future-Viagra.
Our Moon
If you’re up there doing it, then you’re probably into public sex. Very public. By the time we can send a lot of humans to our moon, the technology will most likely be advanced enough for telescoped to see the stitching on the flag we put there in 1969. Even in the safety of an ancient crater, your lovemaking will be viewed by millions all over Earth.
Black Holes
While a lot of people assume that falling into a black hole would completely eviscerate your body, most scientists agree with the theory that your body would be stretched out forever. As in eternity. You could watch your feet being pulled away and into another dimension. Now, imagine slipping into a black hole while at the climax of a session with your mate. Your bodies would be stretched out together until the end of time. Given the correct timing, could that also mean an endless orgasm? Well, there’s no way of knowing unless you test the waters.
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