In lesbian culture this is often referred to as being stone. The stereotype is of a tough masculine woman who wears a leather jacket with combat boots and rides a Harley. They keep their strap-on with them at all times and are ready to forcefully fuck a girl in the bathroom stall of the local lesbian dive bar. They fuck with their shirt buttoned, their pants on and their boots laced. They’re intensely focused on the person they’re fucking because their pleasure is stemming directly from their ability to please their partner. Hot? Many seem to think so.

Of course, it’s just a stereotype. Stone persons don’t have to be butch, lesbian or female. They also don’t have to be tops or own a strap-on. They don’t even need to like wearing boots. The only constant in stone identity is a varying level of discomfort surrounding others touching their body. And they’re not alone. Plenty of trans persons and even straight cis men and women share their desire to please but not be pleased.

 

If this seems impossible to you, consider whether or not you like having your toes sucked. For some people it’s hot, for other it’s ambivalent and for some it decidedly sucks. Is it any leap that some people would have the same attitude surrounding their genitals?

If you’re dating a stone person, it’s important to remember that their stoneness is not proportional to your hotness and you won’t be “curing” them. This doesn’t mean they won’t change over time. They might or they might not. In the meantime, enjoy being the focus of their sexual attention.

Also remember that just because you can’t touch their bits, doesn’t mean you need to lay beneath them like a stiff log afraid of moving. Odds are they’re more than comfortable with your hands in their hair, on their back, face, arms and maybe even ass. You have nails, you have a grip, you have teeth and a tongue and just because those aren’t applied to an erogenous zone or aren’t leading to a big bang, doesn’t mean they can’t bring your partner a world of pleasure.

Also, don’t assume they don’t want to get off too. After watching you orgasm, they’re likely riled up and they might have established a way to keep their pants on and get off with you there. Ask them “What can I do for you?” and then don’t push the sexual envelope if they respond with, “lay here with me a while.”

If you’re with someone who is skiddish about being touched and they do one day answer that question with “touch me,” be supportive and don’t hesitate. Hesitation is a turn off for nearly everyone. There’s nothing like trying to push your own sexual envelopes only to be reminded of them at every turn. Your partner is a big boy or girl and they will stop you before you go too far.

If it doesn’t go well, keep your self confidence about you. It’s no different than if your partner decided to try anal only to find it wasn’t for them. There are as many variations of sexual expression as there are variations of people. Don’t get caught up in what people don’t like. Find out what they do.

Kole

www.developingkole.com

But before you rush into that “no” consider saying, “yes.” If it’s going to cause you physical or emotional harm and you don’t want to do it, don’t. If it just doesn’t hold any more appeal to you than doing the dishes, then maybe it’s your night for dishpan hands.

The longer we move forward in relationships, the greater the comfort and sometimes your partner’s dirty sexual laundry will peak out of an open browser screen, find it’s way into your magazine rack or maybe in an act of post coital embrace they’ll feel safe enough to air their laundry to you directly.

They tell you they really like it when you push them onto the bed and ask if you’d put on a ski mask and fuck them while they tried to fight you off. You love them, you can’t imagine hitting them, and you don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t appear to be enjoying it.

Can you get over it?

What if it’s even more extreme? Maybe your partner has just told you they’d like you to shit on their stomach, but don’t worry, they’ll clean it up. One way to react to this is to tell them they need to see a shrink and then file for a divorce. Another way is to just say, “no,” and that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s disgusting; that’s probably why they want you to do it. But if grossness is the only issue, then can you do something gross if it fulfills the fantasy of someone you love?

Most of us find satisfaction engaging in activities that we don’t enjoy if we can witness our partner’s pleasure. Maybe you don’t like going to the museum, but maybe you do like watching your partner get excited when they look at a Raphael. Apply this concept to your sex life.

And don’t forget the other side of doing your partner a favor—the “I owe you one.” If your boyfriend wants you to jack him off with your feet, ask him if when you’re done he’ll lick your asshole. If you have a sexual fantasy and you’re concerned your partner won’t be inclined to participate, this is also an excellent way to broach the issue. First ask them about their fantasies. They might be more inclined to step outside their box for you if you will for them. Of course if your partner does say no, don’t push them. They have their reasons and the best time to enquire is not right after you drop a fetish bomb.

Compromise can be important. Maybe there are only parts of their fantasy that bother you. Maybe you just can’t do it. Can you talk about doing it? Dirty talk can go a long way.

Don’t sell your partner’s fantasy short either. Sure at first glance getting fucked in the ass might sound messy and painful, but there are millions of people out there who love it. Or maybe you just can’t see how playing doctor is supposed to be sexy. But then again, maybe you’ll be surprised.

At this moment, moms around the world are telling their children, “You don’t know if you like it until you try it.” And though no child would ever admit it, sometimes moms are right. Maybe it isn’t all that bad. Maybe you’ll even be the initiator next time.

Kole

www.developingkole.com

Condoms are the only way to ensure that you are protecting yourself from STI’s, and they have the added benefit of reducing the risk of becoming pregnant.  However for many women, additional precautions are the only way to ensure that we don’t catch an untimely bun in the oven.   There are a variety of hormonal birth control methods, and only through a discussion with your provider can you determine which is best for you.  But it is always wise to familiarize yourself with the options that are available before allowing a practitioner to assign any kind of therapy.  Deciding which form of birth control will be most convenient for you to adhere to will ultimately be your best bet when choosing contraception.

Combined Oral Contraceptive Pill: Known to us as ‘the pill,’ there is a variety to choose from.  Taken daily at the same time, these pills inhibit ovulation by releasing progestin and estrogen, and prevent pregnancy.  While oral contraception is one of the most widely prescribed forms of hormonal birth control available, it can be inconvenient to remember to take the pill at the same time each day.

Vaginal Ring: This method of contraceptive utilizes the same hormones as the pill.  By inserting the ring vaginally once each month, hormones are absorbed by the vagina and travel to the bloodstream.  The ring remains in place for three weeks, and is removed at the start of the fourth week, at the time of menstruation.

Contraceptive Patch:  Marketed as Ortho Evra the patch is worn on the skin.   Transdermal technology allows the hormones to be absorbed by the skin and sent to the bloodstream.  The patch is to be replaced weekly, and is as effective as the pill.

Birth Control Shot:  Marketed as Depo-Provera, this intramuscular injection is administered in the arm.  The shot lasts about three months.  The shot does not contain estrogen, and makes it a good choice for women who are unable to take estrogen, or who are breastfeeding.

Birth Control Implant: Marketed as Implanon, the implant utilizes the same hormonal composition as the injection.  The matchstick sized rod is insterted into the arm, and is effective for up to three years.  This is one of the longer lasting methods of contraception, and has the added benefit of allowing women to become pregnant soon after discontinuation of Implanon.

Intrauterine Device (IUD):  With a hormone-releasing version of the classic IUD, Mirena is a “T” shaped device that is inserted into the uterus to prevent pregnancy.  The IUD is highly effective and can last up to 12 years.  Much like the implant, the ability to become pregnant is regained shortly after withdrawal of the device.  While the IUD may seem the best choice for a long-term solution to hormonal contraception there are many risks associated with placement of an IUD that do not occur in other forms of birth control.

Whatever your personal needs, there is most likely a form of hormonal contraception that appeals to your schedule and needs.  As with any prescription therapy, each hormone based method of birth control carries unique risks and possible side effects.  Speaking to your physician about your options after having done some research is the best way to ensure that you are choosing a method that makes most sense to your every day life.  Bear in mind, hormone contraception does not reduce the risk of STI contraction, and is only a way to prevent unwanted pregnancy.  Used with condoms, any of these methods of birth control will give you peace of mind in knowing that you won’t be hosting a parasite of your own assembly for the next nine months.

R. Darling

There are a few concerns that come to mind when thinking about the validity of this question.  First off—some people are not going to know their number.  It is as simple as that.  Once you have reached a certain level of promiscuity, unless you are keeping black books or bedside tallies, having a number is unrealistic at best.  At worst, announcing some ridiculous number seems like a feeble attempt to appear to be some kind of Lothario.

Another issue lies in the tendency of some to not be completely honest about their elapsed affairs.  For the more modest, perhaps reformed partner, you may hear a number that’s been drastically downscaled.  On the other hand, a less confident or inexperienced partner may inflate their number, so as not to emerge as a dud.  There are some notions about what an acceptable sexual catalog may look like, but ultimately a ‘standard’ number is impossible to come by.   The socially accepted quantity of partners varies largely across demographics such as age or geographic location.

For many, summoning up sex partners of the distant past is an unnecessary annoyance.  And what ‘counts’ and what doesn’t is not always clear-cut.  Let us consider for a moment, those instants of interface where you have established a standard of sexual intimacy with someone without linking a P and a V.  So what qualifies as ‘sex’?  Who gets included in the tally, and who is negated on a technicality?

Ultimately, discussing a number of sexual partners is capricious and generally futile.   Before taking the time to tally and validate your complete record, consider instead, what exactly you are trying to gauge, and what this number is indicative of.   Focus on the more important matters that are often addressed, such as health status, or what you and your partner are hoping to achieve with one another.  Sometimes the bothersome relationship banter can present the opportunity for a useful time to converse about issues that may have a serious impact on the development of your relationship.  But if you are able to speak candidly about your personal experience with sex, what it means to you, and how it will shape your relationship, rolling the die to spit out a number should not be a priority.

R. Darling

In the first dungeon I worked in I had to prostrate myself in front of endless clients.   After months of effort, I had only been chosen by about three or four clients. And sometimes I was a second choice. Even though I would tell myself – hey this place is a shit hole and all of these dudes are perverts – it still hurts. Why is it that strangers who I would never want attention from in day to day life can make me feel so badly about myself?

When you engage in sex work you have to deal with a lot of rejection. For instance, people who make appointments and don’t show up. People who meet you then tell you that you aren’t their type (or as one guy said to me – you look a lot chunkier than in your pictures). People who you have a great session with who never contact you or respond to you again. I recognize it is silly to be so sensitive when the nature of this business is not based on loyalty and trust, but I can’t help it.

Since I was a little girl I have always gotten attention from older men.  Not like in a handsome salt-n-pepper gentleman way.  In a pedophile you-probably-have-a-daughter-my-age and I hope you go to hell way.  But boys my age never really paid me much attention.  And despite my work, that seems to be how it is now.  Like many young women, I feel like I’m pretty enough for men to stare and honk at me. But not pretty enough for someone nice with a job to fall in love with me. I know that a lot of this feeling is from my dads (step and bio) and from bad relationships in the past and all that other wonderful stuff that comes with being a girl.

Because of these feelings, I never allow verbal humiliation and degradation in my sessions. Being forced to call myself a slut and a bitch stings like being stood up or dumped. Being a submissive opens the door for a lot of men to treat me in whatever way they want.  I am their doormat. Ultimately, the hardest but most necessary thing for me to do is to stand up for myself.   Especially when I am feeling shut down and bad.  I have to say “No I don’t do that” or “You can’t say that to me” or “You’re an asshole and I deserve better.”

I like to think that my job is somewhat separate from my life. But I know deep down that is not the truth. Everything I do is an inextricable part of myself. Like most people I have to be guarded when it comes to my work but unlike most people it is because the long term emotional consequences (and possibility of being beaten without mercy) will run a little deeper than a crappy boss or minimum wage.

I guess this is what happens when you charge $350 an hour. Damn economy.

Kitty

Of course, we are bound to encounter bedding blunders.  But taken in stride these awkward moments of irritation will only make your sex stronger.

Unnerving gaffes can arise at any time, quite unexpectedly.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve known your partner for days or decades- with experimentation comes the possibility for failure.  What’s most important in situations like these is honest communication with your partner.  Depending on the severity of the situation, how these moments are addressed will vary.  Telling your partner that something isn’t working can be as simple as just saying it.

Your partner may be polite enough to ask if they may try something, or as rude as simply presuming to do things you aren’t expecting or interested in trying.  In either of these scenarios, telling your partner you aren’t feeling it is the only way to ensure that they know you aren’t enjoying your self, and know not to try it again. The transgression doesn’t have to be as offensive as shoving an uninvited finger in your ass.  It can be as plain as an unwanted kiss planted on your ear.  The point is, do yourself and your partner a favor and speak up if their smooth moves aren’t doing it for you.

It is likely that each of us has been on both ends of the exchange.  None of us are impervious to being the perpetrator.  You may think that jerkin’ your man’s wood while he is in the midst of waking up is a sexy way to jump-start his morning.   You may be in the mood for the breakfast of champions, but there is a possibility that there is one thing on his mind: sleep.  If your partner tells you to get lost, don’t take it personally.   His restful intolerance is not a sign that he is not aching for some morning attention; it could be as simple as him wanting to wake up sans-handedly.  Instead of becoming frustrated or offended by your partners disinterest in an exclusive situation, find out what it is about the circumstances that is not working, and utilize this knowledge during future fun.

There is no way to know what flies and what fails with your partner until it happens.  You could very well be turning it out with your best moves, and in the end, just turning your partner off.  The only way to positively address bedroom bedlam is by saying your piece and allowing your partner to do the same.

R. Darling

Nudity is an unavoidable part of any locker room experience, both yours and others’. When confronted with the horrors of a grandmother’s knee-length breast, or with a very attractive set of ass cheeks the rules should remain the same. Looking is natural—staring, ogling, anything like that is not. While some people are likely showing off their hard work with their naked bodies, most people are trying to just get dressed after a shower. Follow the golden rule and try only to take sidelong glances when they’re not paying too much attention.

Shower etiquette varies depending on the setup your particular gym has. If you’re fortunate enough to burn your calories at a place with private shower stalls—congratulations. If, like me, you go somewhere a little less ritzy and have to face the communal shower, the peek-only rule holds the same. I mean, yeah it might be tempting to watch the guy next to you as the hot water washes the suds off his chiseled, rock-hard body—or is that just me?—but, gentlemen, think about what that sight can do to your own anatomy. No one wants to pop a boner in the communal shower. And even as a gay man I say that no one should have to see a boner in the communal shower, either.

Initiating a conversation in a locker room can be awkward at best. It’s even worse when you’re naked. Or when only one of the participants is naked. After a recent episode in my locker room where I was trying to dress out and was confronted by a nude conversationalist, I decided that locker room chit chat is not for me. If you have a regular gym buddy, by all means talk to him or her if you share your locker room experience. Otherwise, I would assume the disrobed person to your left is completely uninterested in opening up a discussion. There are, of course, exceptions. Locker room cruising, for example, makes it completely ok to talk to a perfect, naked stranger—provided you’re sure he’s willing. Just have the courtesy to take your hookup to a more private spot.

Chances are there will be gay people in your locker room at some point. Rest assured—we look, but we don’t touch. We’re there for the same reason you breeders are: to get laid in better shape. We go for the elliptical machine, the weights, the lap pool and the cardio, not for the buffet of cocks and asses—after all, that’s what the Internet’s for.

Shanaca Grier

We all know how to physically express affection.  The lightest kiss and body contact is sometimes the sexiest way to silently communicate with a partner.   While closeness prior to sex is praised and we are mindful of making demonstrative contact, once the deed’s been done, heavy handling isn’t always a given.   Everyone knows how it goes after a great fuck.  Depending on the nature of your relationship with your partner in crime, cuddling can be expected.  But even then, for some, it is still not welcome.

Plenty of studies have taken place in an effort to identify the correlations between sex, love, and cuddling.   While we often attribute the gushy love stuff to something we call “emotions,” there is legitimate biological groundwork that mandates a lot of our expression as a species.  Common perception of heterosexual intimacy is that its women who are most aware of a continuation of sensuality and closeness following sex.

Science has attributed this trend to what’s been pegged the “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin.  Oxytocin is a hormone produced in the mammalian brain, and oxytocin receptors exist across species and sexes.  In human women, specifically those who have given birth, oxytocin is thought to be responsible for bonding between mother and infant, as it is released as an infant moves down the birth canal.  Similarly, cervical or uterine stimulation during sex causes the release of this bonding booster, causing women to seek intimate touch following intercourse.

But its not just chicks who are looking for some affection following a roll in the hay.  In a recent study published by WebMD Health News, experts suggest that it is men , more than women, who desire a post poke embrace.  From a study including over 1,000 heterosexual couples that spanned across five countries, results suggested that in long-term relationships, men were more satisfied with cuddling as part of their sexual standard, while women were more concerned with sexual functioning.

Love it or hate it, cuddling is a component of sex and intimacy.  While men are particularly notorious for being deterred by a post coital cuddle, they are just as guilty of their female counterparts of falling victim to hormones and, ultimately, emotions.  While its probably not feasible to be restfully intertwined after every sex act, getting close to your partner should not be so chronically undervalued.

R. Darling

It’s a frequent occurrence for those who don’t subscribe to notions of a normative gender binary.  You meet someone who you are attracted to, you begin spending time together, and you find that you are really into them.  It is only a matter of time before top/bottom politics make an appearance.

What becomes so complicated about top/bottom identification is that the sexual task of each counterpart may not be in alignment with his or her authoritative experience outside of the bedroom.  It is not uncommon to meet, for example, a girl who is a bottom publicly (here I am using bottom to express how she may be submissive, looking to her partner to take on a more assertive role in their interaction) who simultaneously straps it on and fucks her partner silly.  Similarly ordinary is, for instance, a total top in life (read: sexy manly man who can fix shit and call the shots) who loves being bent over.   Initially setting the standard isn’t so simple, and ultimately, navigating who will fuck or be fucked can be a drag.

It is important for us queer folk not to let arbitrary identifications define our connections with possible intimate interests.  If you are enjoying time spent with someone and are waiting to do the deed, don’t let anxieties about who’s pokin’ who get between you.  By assuming that you and your partner must adhere to strict guidelines can be damaging, as you place unnecessary pressure on your relationship and put yourselves at risk for superfluous disappointment.

Keep in mind; most individuals are just that- individual.  And the way you cooperate with one lover could be totally unusual to what you may expect.  Every pairing is an opportunity to discover our own qualities.  So be open to this.  Versatility is valuable.  Why cut yourself short in the name of a pigeon hole?

If you insist on identifying as a strict top or bottom, your partner’s classification may be of great consequence to you.  But for anyone who is having sex, exploration is a quality to be embraced.   If you are dating someone and have great chemistry, chances are you will figure out bedroom politics.  In some cases, sure, it just won’t work.  And those are the times to light a cigarette, have a laugh, and concede that you are better suited as friends.  In most cases, you will fuck just fine.   Ditch branding and have fun discovering.

R. Darling

Being a transman has taught me a thing or two about female anatomy. One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned over the past year from being on steady doses of testosterone is that women have cocks.

As my body has grown to match my gender, a certain small piece of me has literally grown. On testosterone, the clitoris can grow up to three inches. Three inches! I have not been so lucky, but it has quadrupled in size and with the growth I’ve learned two things.

Part of the reason guys are so horny is because their clothes are constantly stroking them.

The clit functions just like a cock.

When I get horny, I get hard. The hornier I am, the harder I get. And as I get hard, I get bigger. I can feel the hardness in my hand and against my pants.

So what does this have to do with women? You might not be able to feel yourself get hard or have the sensation of your clit pressing up against the confines of your panties, but you can play some games that are based in reality.

Having a cock is a powerful concept in our culture. When you can feel your cock, you walk differently, you look at sex differently, and you project a different kind of confidence. Pussy confidence is great too, but why not have both?

If you can’t conceptualize your clit as a cock, don’t despair. There are a few tricks to help your brain along.

Pick up a soft packer from a sex shop and a pair of men’s briefs. No one but you knows what’s happening in your pants until you take them off, but feeling the bulge will let you know your cock is there.

Stand to pee. There are lots of devices, known as STPs, to help you in this endeavor. Cup it to your vulva, let it stick out through the fly of your jeans, turn on the faucet to help your bladder along and let it go. When you get to be a pro, try writing your name in the snow.

Stroke it. Reach into your pants and stroke your soft packer for a while then switch it out with a hard, realistic looking, strap-on, grab some lube and jerk it faster. Associating the cock with your arousal will help you feel it in your clit even when you don’t have the extra bits on.

Have your partner suck it. There’s an entire art to getting a female off by sucking her strap-on. Just keep trying until you both figure it out. Discover is part of the fun. You might be surprised to find that even though you can’t feel their mouth on the silicone, the act is so mentally stimulating it doesn’t matter.

Fuck your partner. One of the male erogenous zones is actually up his ass, so show him the literature and convince him it’s to help him reach new heights of pleasure and even a reluctant guy might agree. Of course, if you’re dating a female, you probably don’t need to be quite as persuasive.

The more time you spend trying on gender roles, the more you might start to see the lines of your sexual preference start to blur as well. Regardless, finding the cock in your clit can change the tone of your sex life. So, the next time you’re in the mood, try telling your partner you have a raging hard-on for them and experience the shift in energy.

Kole

www.developingkole.com