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When embarking upon a mission for ass, we are all guilty of making mistakes. It is hard out there because looks can be deceiving. It’s like Christmas, when you get a huge box wrapped in amazing holographic snowman paper with a huge green bow and when you open it-TUBE SOCKS! Too bad their wasn’t some kind of manual or governmental guideline when it comes to having sex and one night stands. The Caste system in India was fucked up, but if we applied it to sex maybe we wouldn’t have to deal with itchy pubes or boiled bunnies.

THE UNFUCKABLES

Crackheads & Meth Addicts

Crackheads are a funny breed. They will most definitely suck your dick for 5 bucks but do you really want to deal with your dick smelling like rotting teeth even after you have boiled it in water? 5 times?? Not really. Don’t let desperation get the best of you. Chances are they probably have diseases that make Syphilis look like the common cold. Not to mention that if you were to bring them to your apartment the next morning you would wake up to an empty place with even your dog gone.

Underage Girls

Tempting. Yes, I know. Supple breasts, pouty lips and dumb, juvenile mentality (i.e easily manipulated). It is many guys fantasy to fuck a youngin’, but is it really worth serving heavy time? Getting raped with a broom by Bubba and being on record as a sex offender for the rest of eternity? NOPE. Beware of the underage girl who looks older and lies to you about her age and then when you give her the boot goes crying rape to anyone who will listen.

Clingy Nags

You can see her coming from a mile away. She is really pretty and laughs at all your jokes. Thinks you are a god in bed. Bakes you muffins, washes the skid marks off your underwear. You think she is perfect until your Blackberry has to be reset every hour due to all the texts, calls and emails she sends. She mistakes sex for eternal love. Then she starts to pop up at your job, your apartment, and even your parents house (she found the address on peoplefinder.com). She is a creep and will definitely make your life a living hell.

Single Moms

SMILFS. That tag automatically makes them unfuckable. Yes she may be hot and have really big, fake tits, but what she also has is a loose vag from popping out a human. She also has a kid who thinks every guy she brings home is papa and baby daddy drama. Fucking her is like setting yourself up instant misery. Hey, if you are going to deal with this shit you might as well find a trophy wife and have your own goddamn family.

Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

Some of us are just gluttons for punishment. We keep going back to our safe zone, which in fact is nothing but a war zone. You might have memories of great times and even greater sex, but that does not excuse the fact that she posted your phone number on the M4M section on craigslist, stating your specialty as rim jobs after you broke up. The Ex is worse than the clinger. You are better off staying in and jerking off to the Disney Channel.

Stinky Girls

Self explanatory really. If it smells like tuna, don’t go diving. Enough said.

UNSKILLED FUCKS

Drunk Girls

She’s the girl who parties until last call. She comes specifically to get wasted and then get double teamed by you and your friend. Only problem is she gets so sloshed she can’t even move. Once you take her home, she passes out with your dick in her mouth and you were better off fucking a cadaver at this point. In the morning it is going to take a whole lot of energy to get her drunken ass sobered up and on her way back to the sorority house.

The One Guy Girl

She had her high school sweetheart. She loves him always and forever. He took her virginity under the bleachers at homecoming. She is 26 years old now and she still has his pictures of him all over her room, even though they have been broken up for quite some time. You will never live up to him. She isn’t worth it. What’s the point of feeling inferior to some high school jock turned refrigerator salesman. STAY AWAY.

Prudes

She won’t let you do anything. A kiss is even a sin. She definitely will not let you eat her pussy. Plus a chastity belt is a hell of a bitch to remove with a chainsaw. She might let you fuck her if your name is Jesus or Jed and run a fundamentalist cult in Utah.

Lazy Asses

If she is a lazy bitch who sleeps all day, chances are she is too lazy to even have sex. Too lazy to even lay there while you hump away. She probably eats take out, watches lifetime movies all day, collects welfare and disability for her emotional problems and has 30 cats. You do the math.

SKILLED FUCKS

Gymnasts

She can move in ways you have never seen before, and probably has an Eastern European accent. See above picture. The possibilities are endless. She is sure to put the Kama Sutra to shame.

Strippers

One of the top male fantasies of all time, Fucking a stripper. She can dance, move her hips, make her ass clap. She has no inhibitions and she has a love for cock and money. She has a lot of stamina and her pussy taste like Benjamin Franklins. WIN!

Cougars

Their is nothing like a woman with experience. A woman who has stood the test of time and still looks hotter that her younger counterparts. She can be your sugar mama and buy you custom Tom Ford suits and on top of that give you the most mind blowing blow job of your entire life. She is confident in herself and can teach you a few things. Never under estimate the fun of a cougar.

Hip-Hop Honeys

Hip Hop Honeys ain’t nothing to play with. They are freaks and that is a fact. Almost every rapper in the game has songs dedicated to them and knows that these ladies are pros at what they do. Put it this way, if a woman can handle a train of big black dicks, just imagine the type of shit you can do to them. Only problem is, if you don’t let your chain hang low, you are not going to get any of that ass and there is a whole lot of ass.

WARRIOR FUCKS

Celebrities

Warrior fucks are the ones that make you a fucking goddamn ninja. If you can fuck these chicks, then you are almost as amazing as Hugh Hefner. Celebrities are top on the list. Imagine telling your friends that you had a threesome with the Gossip Girls or got head from Miley Cyrus? You know they would envy you for all eternity.

Your Bosses Wife

You hate him. She hates him. He pays you. He pays her. See, you already have a lot in common. Nothing says fucking the man like fucking his wife in his bed. Maybe if you are lucky you can even get to degrade his daughter too!

Your Girlfriend’s Sister

Picture this. You’re all on a family vacation. Your girlfriend is out shopping with her mom and her sister stayed behind. She just came back from lounging by the pool in her skimpy bikini and comes into your room and starts getting naked. She is wild and lets you do dirty things to her. Things your girlfriend would never let you do. If this has happened to you, then you are the man. End of story.

HIGH PRIESTESSES

Porn Stars

The end all be all. No woman in the universe can give you what a porn star can. She can and will do everything, they are limitless. Whether it be a gonzo chick or an A list porn star if you can get a chance to fuck one you will never be able to down grade in the caste system.

Virgins

In many cultures a virgin is a sacred being. Now-a-days they are rarer than the white buffalo. Fucking a virgin is the ultimate for obvious reasons. You will be the first one to have them and they are tighter than a butt hole. You just cannot go wrong.

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