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To quote a well-known song, “The Internet is for Porn!”

Porn. Most of us admit to spending some of our leisure time carousing various sites for videos or images of sexual acts, and if I were to guess, I would say that a few of you reading this might have some tabs open on your browser that contain pornography of some kind. While most porn on the internet is simply just sex, (the way the good Lord intended) some overly ambitious pornographers go above and beyond by giving us a plot. This is rather unfortunate, because most porno intros are poorly written. For most people, these scenes are just wasted space to be buffered; causing a delay in the time it takes us to see what we came for. Mostly, these few minutes of clothed people are forgotten, so we have put together a list of some of the strangest scenes you may have overlooked.

5. – “Nutjob Nurses”

The Setting:

Let’s start off with a generic premise for a porno. Wife calls husband wondering where he is, husband tells wife he is out running an errand when in reality he is either about to, or currently engaging in sexual acts with another woman. This idea has been around the block many times, yet these producers found a way to make the acting in this title even worse than we usually see. We give you, “Nutjob Nurses”

Review:

The first line of the movie comes from the hooker, who says:

“I wish it could always be like this.”

Isn’t the first rule of the hooker’s manual to never fall in love with a client? Also, where is this guy? Most hookers don’t really make enough money to be able to furnish their houses with leather couches and paintings, especially if she is committed to this one guy, who doesn’t seem to make enough money to provide his wife with more than a ten-year-old boy’s bedroom. We also failed to find any nurses during the movie.

2008 1975

Apparently this is some kind of new space-traveling genre of porn, because while the Husband and hooker are in a contemporary styled room, the Wife seems to be stuck in the 70′s.

Highlight of the Scene:

Hooker: Why are you married to her?

Husband: Hey, is it my fault I married an Amish man’s daughter?

4. Thai Porn Video

The Setting:

Sex on a beach is over-hyped. Sure it’s in movies a lot, but imagine sand in all kinds of places you wouldn’t want sand. Would you fuck a sandy vagina? In this particular nameless video from Thailand, two guys happen to stumble upon a pretty woman enjoying the beach and proceed to go straight for the cooch, skipping all kinds of steps, such as introductions, consent, etc.

Review:

I’m sure the lines in this video are poorly delivered, but they are impossible to hear thanks to the crashing waves of the ocean and a budget that couldn’t afford microphones. After ten seconds of two men walking, one of the guys points something (presumably the girl, or the fact that this video sucks) out to his cohort, instead of establishing what they see, the cameraman decides to make the bold move of showing another twenty seconds of the two man walking, just in case anyone missed the concept of two guys on a beach.

Upon walking up to the woman, within thirty seconds of meeting her, both men have taken her dress of while she giggles incessantly. Thai women are apparently incredibly turned on by two middle aged, greasy-looking men who don’t fool around, but go straight for some pussy.

“Look over there! A plot! Too bad we don’t want one.”

Highlight of the Scene:

It was impossible to choose from the only two shots we had. Either the 30 seconds of walking, or the 30 seconds leading up to the crotch grab.

3. “Bimbo Cheerleaders from Outer Space”

The Setting:

There are confusing pornos, and there are pornos that do not make sense, then there is “Bimbo Cheerleaders from Outer Space”, which can best be compared to The Da Vinci Code if it were played in reverse with Tom Hanks wearing a gorilla mask.

Review:

If you haven’t figured it out (which you haven’t), this porno is about high schooler’s making a porno. Confusing? We sure as hell think so. This is a prime example of how too much effort to make a story in a porno can be bad. Very bad.

The prologue of the movie is a grand total of three sentences with a voiceover trying to keep up with the speeding text. Due to the speed, the narrorator skips over things such as punctuation, emotion and apparently breathing. The rest of this classic consist of the “Bimbo Cheerleader from space” (no mention of why she’s a cheerleader or why she’s in space) coming across a stowaway, who is none other than Chewnacca the lovable Nookie! After a brief pause to debate the script, the bimbo cheerleader and Nookie make, well, nookie.

Be sure to take note of the backdrop as well as the musical score consisting of three snare drum hits and a timpani. The details and effects astound even us.

Anyone see the director? No? Well, I guess we can make it up as we go.”

Highlight of the Scene:

Chewnacca: Do I have another line here?

Cheerleader: I dunno, lemme check… nope, guess we just fuck.

2. A porno set in a hospital

The Setting:

A convict is somehow severely burned in the ER and two cops are trying to get answer from him, even though he can’t speak. The nurse tells them that they need to leave and then that’s when the younger cop makes his very “slick” move. We really can’t put this movie into a genre, because it’s so ridiculous.

Review:

Best described as an erotica novel from hell written by a retarded Dr. Suess, this porno includes rhymes up the ass from actors who seem like they just had lobotomies.

The black cop offers no support to the story other than that he might be a bisexual robot who has mechanical issues. He appears to get off not only to what the nurse says, but what the other cop says about his dick. All he does is stand around looking like an asshole with his mouth open. The double entendres in this clip makes us want to slit our wrists.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do, maybe I’ll just stand here like a douche bag”

Highlight of the Scene:

Nurse: Do you like what you see?

Cop: I love what I see.

Nurse: Would you like to touch what you see?

Cop: Yes, yes I would.

Nurse: Would you like to go out with me?

Cop: Yeah, yes I would

Nurse: Would you like to fuck me?

Cop: Bingo

1. “Watch out for Snakes”

The Setting:

An American professor gives a Hungarian woman a tour of his backyard. She runs into danger and the man comes to save the day. Enjoy the masterpeice that is: “Watch out for Snakes”.

Review:

They couldn’t have picked a shorter man or a taller woman. She is a foot taller than him at least. Get the man a box, or something. It also seems to us that the woman is easier to understand than the guy half the time. After warning her about garter snakes, which are harmless to humans, he just dumps her ass in his yard and goes of to do collegiate things.

The eight foot Hungarian woman proceeds to walk about a five foot spot for a while, sniffing trees, when she looks up at screams at the horrifying image (sadly ruined by the dead giveaway of a title) of a fake snake that sort of just dangles around loosely and flaccid-like, just like the way our dicks were while watching this piece of crap. What follows is what we consider to be the most action-packed, suspense-filled thirty-five seconds of our lives. We were on the edge of our seats until the snake made the bloody retreat back to the toy store.

What followed was the most average porno we have ever seen in our entire lives.

When I grow up, I wanna be as big as you!”

Highlight of the Scene:

Man: There aren’t all snakes in this area that are scary. I’ll show you “another” one.