Boy meets girl. And the dynamic is generally pretty straightforward. Dating straight is easy. There is an unsaid precedent that’s been set which implies that boy will fuck said girl. (At least until they know each other a bit better). But when boy meets boy, or girl meets girl (or any combination gender bending andro folks that become a cryptic queer combo) who’s doin’ who isn’t always so clear cut.
It’s a frequent occurrence for those who don’t subscribe to notions of a normative gender binary. You meet someone who you are attracted to, you begin spending time together, and you find that you are really into them. It is only a matter of time before top/bottom politics make an appearance.
What becomes so complicated about top/bottom identification is that the sexual task of each counterpart may not be in alignment with his or her authoritative experience outside of the bedroom. It is not uncommon to meet, for example, a girl who is a bottom publicly (here I am using bottom to express how she may be submissive, looking to her partner to take on a more assertive role in their interaction) who simultaneously straps it on and fucks her partner silly. Similarly ordinary is, for instance, a total top in life (read: sexy manly man who can fix shit and call the shots) who loves being bent over. Initially setting the standard isn’t so simple, and ultimately, navigating who will fuck or be fucked can be a drag.
It is important for us queer folk not to let arbitrary identifications define our connections with possible intimate interests. If you are enjoying time spent with someone and are waiting to do the deed, don’t let anxieties about who’s pokin’ who get between you. By assuming that you and your partner must adhere to strict guidelines can be damaging, as you place unnecessary pressure on your relationship and put yourselves at risk for superfluous disappointment.
Keep in mind; most individuals are just that- individual. And the way you cooperate with one lover could be totally unusual to what you may expect. Every pairing is an opportunity to discover our own qualities. So be open to this. Versatility is valuable. Why cut yourself short in the name of a pigeon hole?
If you insist on identifying as a strict top or bottom, your partner’s classification may be of great consequence to you. But for anyone who is having sex, exploration is a quality to be embraced. If you are dating someone and have great chemistry, chances are you will figure out bedroom politics. In some cases, sure, it just won’t work. And those are the times to light a cigarette, have a laugh, and concede that you are better suited as friends. In most cases, you will fuck just fine. Ditch branding and have fun discovering.
R. Darling
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