Let’s get personal about public figures. Some of them appear to be innocuous with no dirty dark side- perhaps not even appearing on the sexual radar. Others practically wear thongs made out of red flags warning potential lovers of their straight-up freakfuckability. To that end, I give you in no particular order the top ten celebrities that if given the chance to get you laid would likely scare the hell out of you while pleasuring you into depths of satiation you never knew existed:
1. Olivier Martinez
Being hot and french automatically implies this man was born to violate (in a good way) every orifice of your body and leave you begging for more and staying up late making laundry lists of things he could further do to you. He’s the sort who can’t be on line at the convenience store to pay for his cigs without coming up with at least six new ways to fuck. Olivier would make you orgasm 15 times and then as you lay there stunned, soggy and on the verge of a heart attack from all the excitement, he’d quietly ask in French if he could put it in your ear next.
2. Tori Amos
This red-headed siren is famous for stirring songs that require 160 listens before getting the meaning of the lyrics and devoting an entire album to Pele, the Hawaiian goddess who resides in a volcano and accepts young male virgins as sacrifices to quench her violent lust. So yeah- any man might be so intimidated by that he would go all deer- in-headlights and allow her to pound on him like a piano while making him yell his deepest, darkest secret he never told anyone at the precise moment he climaxes. Let’s not forget that Tori claims Mary Magdalene as one of her personal heroes.
3. Eddie Izzard
The fact that he is a self-proclaimed “executive transvestite” would only make things more interesting if you were lucky enough to be bedded by this smoldering Brit and his razor sharp wit. Eddie is one of those larger-than-life men whose body seems to enter the room before their face does – which can be intimidating but is no doubt a turn-on. He’d make you laugh your clothes off and the combination of his brooding sexiness and physical humor makes the outcome of such an encounter unpredictable. Although it is easy to surmise that as a starter, he would likely use his lipstick to paint your outer labia to look even more like a mouth, assign one of his trademark silly voices to it before making out with it and then afterwards steal your panties.
4. Angelina Jolie
Couldn’t let this list go without stating the uber obvious. Vials of blood necklaces, sibling make-out sessions, an affinity for playing with knives = lovers nervously flagging down a cab naked in the streets post-coitus because they aren’t sure if they just had sex or an alien probe encounter.
5. David Duchovny
The disarming charmer is defined by sex-addiction- it’s his day job and the marker by which his personal life has become measured. The boyish looks, the quiet-cool, the syrupy grin that suddenly makes everything sexual you have always been afraid of seem like everything you want. He has had so so so sooo many sexual partners, his attitude when it comes down to the specific mechanics must be “What’s next?” To that end it would be perfectly normal when morning comes if you to woke up covered in peanut butter, powdered sugar and thawed out frozen vegetables.
6. Meghan McCain
Notoriously trying to simultaneously rebel against Daddy while representing some sort of new Republican party she invented, Meghan describes herself as “socially liberal” (Sorry sweetheart, being for gay marriage and birth control education while against abortion isn’t socially liberal so much as it is oddly sort of contradictory.) This you-can-tell-just-by-looking-at-her-how-horny-she-is politico seems like she would like nothing more than the opportunity to get he liberal freak on in front of poster-sized framed photos of Ronald Reagan and Sarah Palin while blasting The Battle Hymn of the Republic.
7. Johnny Depp
What can be said about Johnny? It’s sort of self-explanatory. I’m pretty positive the ‘during’ part of the sexual encounter would include an out-of-body experience in which you would hover over the bed and send “Oh my God, I’m fucking Johnny Depp” texts to all your friends while snapping a few photos. Which would be your last act of communication because surely the resulting orgasm that would snap you back into your body would also lead to spontaneous combustion. Johnny is probably used to that and comes equipped with some sort of flame-retardant bed sheets in which he wisely wraps himself when you begin writhing in ecstasy and has the fire department on speed-dial.
8. Carol Channing
Poor Carol was forced to be celibate by her former husband for something like 85 years therefore no one can blame her for having her repression serve as the chief motivation in life. So men she picks up at the early bird special should expect her to want to engage in 1940′s casting couch role play while demanding oral sex involving the loud humming of the Bye, Bye, Birdie soundtrack.
9. James Franco
Obviously he would make 10 finger puppets out of his hands and re-enact the Storming of the Bastille or some such while cleverly using your anatomy as scenery and props. For sure there would also be wigs and play-doh and souvenir gift bags filled with copies of Sartre involved.
10. Hillary Clinton
Sorry but you just know she never quite got over the cum-covered-Gap- dress thing. Watch out, because I am pretty sure her boudoir time is marked by playing with a sword she received as a welcome gift from some foreign dignitary and using it to tatter copies of her husband’s autobiography “My Life” before having sex without foreplay on the shreds. Partners should probably be ready to be rumble in a custom-made boxing ring that rises from her floor at the touch of a button labeled “It’s go time.”